Small Successes

There are so many difficult things we who have dealt with pregnancy loss have to face. We question why this had to happen to us, to our child. We face friends and family all around us having children. There are baby showers and baptisms and so much more. In my case, and I'm sure it's the case for others as well, there is also the not knowing if you can get pregnant again or how long it's going to be. Will I have to wait a year again? Longer? Will I need to take some sort of fertility medication or should we just pursue adoption and give up on successfully having children of our own. Even if we get pregnant, will the pregnancy last??

Dwelling on all these things can really bring one down!! I have had my fair share of down days because of these thoughts and questions and others like them.

I was reminded recently of a time when I was a lot more carefree--someone referred to me as "bopping" around the office (not at UK, at a previous place of employment). I don't think I really appreciated that time, because I know I had concerns and worries then too. But they were so different then. And in a way, I knew deep down that the things I was concerned with then weren't as big as they seemed.

Is that how, one day far off from now, I'll look back on this time?? Possibly, but it's hard to imagine at the moment.

All these thoughts and questions and things that bring one down forced me to think of a way to undo all that, even if for just a brief moment. And I came up with this post. Now hang on with me here, I know this hasn't exactly sounded like an uplifting post yet. Keep reading ...

I decided today that to help me focus on other, better, things in my life, I would start this weekly post. Yep, I said weekly! I've said it before and it has always fallen by the wayside. So if you are a regular reader of this blog (the 2 or 3 people out there who are??), I need your help if I start slacking off (a comment in any recent post will alert me).

This is what I'll be doing. Each Friday, or maybe Saturday (hey, I need a little leeway, it is the weekend!), I will create a post called Small Successes. The idea is to post about 3 (or more) things that I accomplished or feel was a small success in my life during the week. And I want to hear from others as well. So leave your small successes in the comments, or post your own small successes on your blog and share the link in my comments box. It will be nice to share those small successes and to see what kinds of small things we all do. Sharing these with others may remind us of many more small things we do each week that we forget about or hadn't even considered a success previously. In other words, nothing is too small!

Here are mine for this week:

1. I actually made it to adoration ON TIME Monday morning! I have to be there at 6am, but also the security system on the door doesn't unlock until 6am. And I got there before the door unlocked!! That is quite an accomplishment for me!
   
2. I finished putting together my four "work samples" at work this week and turned them all in. Very glad to have that done!! (This has to do with a promotion I am going up for this fiscal year, it's going to be a lot of work in the next few months so you will may hear about it again.)
   
3. I remembered at the last minute to put a card in the mail for my niece's first birthday. I'm usually really good with this sort of thing, but sometimes it slips my mind and I put it in the mail a day late. Just barely got it in one morning before leaving for work! (Not to mention that we have quite a large family, so staying on top of the birthdays for 2 grandmothers, 4 parents, 8 siblings, 5 spouses of siblings, and 10 nieces and nephews--and growing--is a bit of a job! Oh, and anniversaries and Mother's and Father's Day as well.)
   
4. One more for good measure: After several unsuccessful attempts, I managed to finally get on a roll writing my "personal statement" (also something associated with this promotion thing). I just needed to find the right path to go down. I actually managed to write almost two pages today after several attempts at a paragraph or two and then deleting all of it. I'm hoping the path I'm on now will be something I still like when I look at it again on Monday morning.

What are your small successes for this week??

If anyone has a suggestion for some sort of picture or clip art that would be appropriate for our "Small Successes" posts, let me know. I'll be looking too but would like suggestions as well.

The Saga Continues

I posted last week in "Never Ending Tests" about the several blood tests I have had over the last 6 weeks. On Monday I had my fourth blood test. I had hoped this would be the last one.

The goal is to get my Beta HCG number down to 5. We started at over 200,000 on May 28. By July 1 the number had fallen to 114. So July 12 we tried again.

Thankfully, the blood test itself went well. The person taking it got it on the first try and I have only a very slight bruise. Much better than the last test!! The results came back at 17. The nurse commented that it had come down "significantly." I couldn't help but think that it wasn't significant enough! But at least we are close.

So another blood test is planned for next week. Surely we can drop 12 points in one week!! Thanks for all the prayers! Keep them coming! I'm trying to get to daily mass when I can, I feel the healing of the Eucharist does me a lot of good and I really need it. Lots of healing still needs to happen; this has been a long road of which the blood tests are only a small part. And I have a feeling I'm not at the end of that road yet.

Never-Ending Tests

My tests have not ended yet. I was expecting to be done, but apparently not. Yes, it seems to be never-ending. I was so hopeful that I was through ... and then I called today. Not what I was hoping for, so at least one more blood test is in my future.

Here's the background. My Beta HCG levels (the pregnancy hormone) were basically off the charts on May 28 when I had the D&C. The goal now is to get it down. Thus it has to be checked every so often, through a blood test, to see how it is doing. I had mentioned in a previous post that the Beta HCG increases during the first several weeks of pregnancy and eventually plateaus to somewhere around 60,000-100,000 around week 10-12. Since the pregnancy ended, we want my levels to get to 5 or below.

I had blood taken from me three times on May 28 when I was in the hospital. Three times that I know of; I did come out of surgery with a small bandage on my arm that wasn't there beforehand. So maybe it was four, my doctor couldn't remember when I asked her. My Beta HCG at that time came out to over 200,000. Definitely off the charts.

So on June 11, two weeks later, I had another blood test and my levels had dropped significantly to around 780-something. My next blood test was only 5 days later on June 16 and the results had only gone down about 100 points, it was somewhere around 670 or so.

My doctor decided we should wait two weeks and hopefully we would need only one more test. So I went back on July 1. I called the next day, last Friday, to get the results. After playing phone tag with one of the nurses all afternoon, I left for the three-day, holiday weekend with no answers. So I had to wait. I called again today and learned that unfortunately the result was only 114. Not quite low enough. So I'm going back next Monday for yet another blood test.

The saga continues. I really hope this last test on July 12 will be the end. I think my veins are starting to hide when they see that needle coming. I was stuck in three different places last time before she finally got something. I hope it works better this next time!

Is there a patron saint of blood tests? Anyone know? Or just one for test taking or something along those lines? I could use the extra prayers from someone a bit "higher up!"

Happy Fourth!!

It's our country's birthday!! Happy Birthday! Happy Fourth of July!! From scanning through Facebook updates today it is pretty evident that everyone is enjoying fireworks, grilling out, parades, a longer weekend, and time spent with family and friends. We've certainly been enjoying much of the same this weekend at our house as well.

Our Saturday started out with a trip to the Farmer's Market where we picked up some fresh tomatoes and zucchini. It was also nice just to walk through the many stalls of produce, cheeses, homemade pasta, and so much more. We passed a cooking demonstration where we got the inspiration to buy the zucchini in the first place.


After the Farmer's Market we walked down the street to downtown to find all the booths and other festivities spread across Main and Short Streets. We located the 1380 Real Life Radio Booth where I registered for a iPad drawing and picked up the new car magnet as shown on the left (and which is now properly displayed on my car).

Saturday night was night one of our three day grilling fest. We started with grilled pizza. This was only our second time making grilled pizza. Had a few issues the first time, but it worked well this time. We made it with the fresh basil we've been growing and the fresh tomatoes we bought that morning at the Farmer's Market. It was quite yummy!!

Today for the actual Fourth our grilling was a little more traditional. Dinner was hamburgers. Nothing exciting. Except ... we grilled up the zucchini we had bought on Saturday. Cut into long flat strips and seasoned with a touch of olive oil and some salt and pepper, then a few minutes on the grill. It was excellent!

But that wasn't all. We also used the grill for dessert tonight. We grilled bananas!! Talk about unique! Hubby cut one banana in half length-wise, keeping the skin on, brushed them each with a little butter/brown sugar mixture, and placed them on the grill face down. They stayed there for just a few minutes. We then cut each half in half and placed the halves in two bowls, two for each of us. Topped it with a little vanilla ice cream, drizzled a bit of raspberry sauce over them (which we already had in the fridge), and then topped it all with the last of the blueberries that hubby picked a week ago. All together we had a perfect July Fourth red, white, and blue dessert. And it was very yummy!! I should have taken a picture to share, but it disappeared before I could. Opps!

Monday is also part of our holiday. We both have the day off, so we're going hiking in the morning. We'll be heading out to Raven Run hopefully around 9:30 or 10:00. Tomorrow night will also be our third and final night of the grilling fest. Just grilling up some chicken and pairing it with a simple salad and the leftover zucchini.

It's been a relaxing weekend full of lots of good food and some good exercise to balance that out. We've been listening to fireworks going off around us, but haven't really gone out to see any. I hope everyone else is having a great holiday weekend. What special things have you done this weekend?? Or what new recipes did you try? Let me know by posting in the comments section. Hubby is always up for grilling new foods!!

Just Thinking About It

Everything must start with a thought, no matter how tiny or how large, just a thought. That's where I am right now. The thought is there, kind of small in this case, like a little seed. And like a seed it could grow, or it could not, only time will tell.

So for now, I'm just thinking about it.

"What," you might ask, "is it?"

Well, I hesitate to put it into words, because then it becomes a "thing" hanging out there waiting for me to actually do something. Not just think about it, do it. That's still a bit scary to me right now.

But I'm going to bite the bullet (otherwise this would be kind of a pointless post, wouldn’t it). Don't laugh, it may not seem all that big a thing to you.

I've actually been contemplating pulling my clarinet out again and playing. The last time I played was in December of 2008. This has been the longest break I've ever had in over 20 years of playing.

On the one hand, I can't believe it's been that long! On the other, I haven't missed it as much as you would think. The last time I played was for an (almost) all Wagner concert that December. I hated that concert!! Every. bit. of. it. I also had a built in break right after the concert. I had a professional conference to attend in February of 2009 that was going to conflict with the next scheduled concert. So I was already going to be taking a temporary break from playing with that group and was supposed to return in March. (I also hadn't played at church in a long time and wasn't expecting to get called for anything.)

But things changed. In a big way!

Just about a month after that dreadful concert was when Zachary died. After that I couldn't even fathom picking up my horn and trying to play something. I knew even an Irish jig would sound like a dirge coming from me; or that a sad piece might cause me to break down in tears. March came and I decided not to return to the band and not to play the summer series of concerts. Several months later, fall approached and I again decided not to play. Part of that was now fear; fear that I would sound horrible, fear that I wouldn't be able to play more than 10 minutes without my face falling off, fear that I might have “lost” something that no amount of practice could get back, and fear that every reed I owned would be warped and useless. (Okay, so that last one is easily fixed, but rational thought is not always my forte.)

I also had a diversion. My husband had wanted to do a Thursday night Bible Study that was starting that fall. So I joined him, thus creating a Thursday night conflict, the same night the band rehearses. The diversion was a good one. It was nice to do something different, especially one where I learned something! It was a good experience, but we’re also not planning on doing it again this coming year.

So instead this thought is creeping into my head now. And then I ran into some fellow musicians the other day and they got me thinking about it again. Those darn church music people!!

I had a day off this week and swung by my church to drop off an envelope we had forgotten to bring on Sunday. Our music director and assistant director were standing outside the office and when I came back out we started chatting. The director wanted to know when I was going to play with them again, if I was interested in working up a recital sometime (yeah, right!), and the assistant director was talking about arranging a part for me to some piece they had. It was a little too much to think about.

But it’s quite possible that seed in my head grew just a bit more. Just a bit.

I know if I started again I would need a lot of practice before I play in front of anyone. I’m sure it won’t be pretty. I’ll have to buy my husband some ear plugs. It has been eighteen months, afterall.

I do find it interesting that after losing one baby I couldn’t go back to playing. Now, just after losing another, I’m actually thinking about it. I haven’t quite figured out what’s wrong with me. That’s a whole other thought process I’m in no position to try to figure out yet. I’m open to outside diagnoses if you have one! :)

So I’m thinking about it. Just thinking about it. Maybe I’ll even retrieve the case from the guest room closet and put it out in a visible place. Only time will tell.

Saying Good-bye

Monday we said good-bye.

Good-bye to another hope, another future that is not to be, and another child.

This was the third time we've had to deal with all the loss that comes when a child dies. This was the third time we felt the power of prayers and support from so many people around us. And this was just the second time we had the opportunity to bury one of our children.

Monday was a beautiful day. We've been having storms/rain showers on and off all month, but luckily that morning was beautiful. We gathered at the cemetery at 11am for a short burial service. About 20 people joined us, both family and friends, including our priest who has been with us at some point through all three of our losses.

A small table covered in green velvet stood over the grave site. Brigit was in a beautiful little box I had bought, which was decorated with flowers. Inside I lined it was a pink blanket, put inside a small, soft, pink puppy-rattle, and Brigit was wrapped in a small crocheted pink blanket made by one of her aunts. In front of the table I set a pot of flowers, pink of course. And, in front of the flowers was Zachary's grave.

Seventeen months ago when we stood at this same spot for Zachary's burial a train went by (the railroad tracks are very close by). One of my sisters-in-law mentioned it to me afterwards, referring to a little boy's love of trains and other transportation vehicles. I still think of that anytime I am at the cemetery.

During Monday's service for Brigit not only did a train go by again, but there was a lot of clattering and banging going on. I couldn't help but think that it was Zachary letting us know that he was watching over his special baby sister.

It means a lot to me that we were able to give Brigit a proper burial. This fact alone has given me a lot of comfort through this whole ordeal. Amazingly, I was in good spirits at the service, no tears. And if you know me, that says a lot! I'm usually a pretty emotional person.

Don't worry, I've had plenty of emotional moments. But this was an opportunity for closure. I've experienced a lot more comfort overall this time around, which I can't completely explain. The only thing I can link it to is the many, many prayers of so many people. Also my own prayers as well as the intercessory prayers of Mother Mary and all the other saints who have been called on by me or others for me.

Good-bye baby girl. Good-bye little Brigit Ann. May you rest in the comfort of Mary's arms, gaze upon the glory of God our Father, and stay close to both Casey and Zachary until the day when we can all be joined together again.

Another Appointment

This afternoon was another doctor appointment. Unfortunately she had no new information for me since my appointment last Friday. She had hoped to talk to the geneticist, but that person just got back from a long vacation. So that didn't work out.

In the meantime, though, my Beta HCG levels look good. The day of the D&C they tested at over 200,000. I asked today and found out that usually the pregnancy hormone, which is what the Beta HCG is, increases in the early stages of pregnancy and then plateaus around the 10th week or so. Usually it plateaus somewhere around 60,000 to 100,000. So yeah, my levels were off the chart!!

The good news is that in the two weeks since the surgery, they dropped to around 760!! So I went to the lab after seeing my doctor and gave more blood. We'll see what another five days does to it.

So I go back again in two weeks. Hopefully at that appointment we'll have all the test results back and some questions answered. My doctor still has questions she wants answers to as well, so I have to wait until she can talk to the right people before I can find out the whole scoop. So we'll see what I get at that appointment.

And when I'm there again in two weeks, I'll hopefully give my last blood sample for a while! If that blood test doesn't show my Beta HCG less than 5, then I'll have to go back at least one more time. I'm hoping that the positive drop this last time means that only one more blood draw is necessary.

My arm is getting tired and I think my veins are starting to hide.

Miscarriage Answers

It has taken me a while to write this post, but that's just because I wanted to be able to inform our families of all this stuff first. So now I think I have also processed things enough after explaining it several times in various formats that I can write something here that is coherent. At least I hope so. Let's see how this goes.

There really is no good news in any of this, but there is news that is better than other news. Plus, there is just the fact that for once we seem to have some answers. If you or anyone you know has ever had a miscarriage you know that answers of any kind are often few and far between. So in a way there is good news here. If you've never experienced a loss, it may be hard to understand how there can be good news; so just keep an open mind as you read.

Most of the answers I currently have are from a follow-up appointment I had last Friday (about four days ago). I have another appointment tomorrow (Wednesday) where I will get some more information. Last Friday we discussed the surgery, what the results of the chromosome tests were, and we learned that we had a baby girl.

So the surgery first. As I've mentioned earlier, the surgery did not go as planned, at all. My doctor told me that she had never had to deal with some of what happened during this particular surgery. I was never in any danger, but things did take much longer than expected. I was apparently intubated twice, there were problems that led her to have to use a scope, and I lost a lot of blood (not so much that there was any concern, but a lot more than would be normally expected). After that whole ordeal I wondered if I would ever do a D&C again, if we were ever in this situation again. I had been unsure about my answer to that, but as I got further in my recovery I felt that yes, I probably would. After discussing the D&C with my doctor I now think I definitely would! She said that with all that went on she feels that had I miscarried at home I probably would have ended up in the emergency room. So thank goodness I was in capable hands from the start.

The most important thing we learned was the results of the chromosome test. I've also done a little (very little) research and I think I can adequately explain this. So everyone has 23 pairs of chromosomes, making 46 individual chromosomes. When a baby is conceived it receives 23 from mom and 23 from dad, usually. A healthy baby girl would have a chromosome structure of 46XX, a baby boy of 46XY. There are often cases where, for a variety of reasons, an extra chromosome gets created or attached or something. Many people are familiar with Down's Syndrome which happens because of an extra 21st chromosome. Down's Syndrome is also known as Trisomy 21. There are many chromosome abnormalities that can happen, with varying degrees of results. There are also lots of names for them, but it seems that the majority of them, where there is a third chromosome in one of the "slots" are called trisomies. Our baby girl had a chromosome structure of 47XX+16. The 47 means she had one extra chromosome (remember you should have 46), the XX indicates that she was a girl, and the 16 is where that extra chromosome is. This is a trisomy called Trisomy 16.

Her chromosome structure also is what gave us confirmation that we had a girl. Because she had this abnormality they could distinguish her chromosomes from mine, thus ruling out maternal contamination. In the beginning I had been told they most likely would only be able to confirm the gender for certain if it was a boy, because he would have a Y chromosome that I don't have. Otherwise, maternal contamination plays a factor. But in our case, they could rule that out.

So what is Trisomy 16? Well, I've only learned a little about it. But so far what I know is that it is possibly the leading cause of miscarriage. Potentially 50% of all miscarriages are a result of Trisomy 16 and some researchers even put that number as high as 75%. As you can see, it is often fatal, and often in the first trimester. However, sometimes it is only present in the placenta and the baby is perfectly healthy. Other times it can be present in the baby but the cells some how correct themselves during the early stages of development, in which case the child can survive. There is a wide variety of possibilities with Trisomy 16 as there are with many other trisomies. And a wide variety of disabilities a child born with Trisomy 16 can have, from very minor to very severe.

There is a support organization I found online for parents of children born with Trisomy 16. They also provide definitions and explanations for the varying ways this can manifest itself. See their website at Disorders of Chromosome 16. I also found this website from about.com on Trisomy 16 very helpful: About.com: Miscarriage-Trisomy 16.

Now the question is: is there any good news in all of this. Well, sort of. If you remember I said we had answers and that was a good thing. The first good thing for me is that I didn't do anything wrong. This sounds weird, I know. We all know that miscarriage is never anyone's fault, but if you've ever had a miscarriage you know that no matter how irrational it seems a small part of you still wants to find something you did wrong. I know I didn't do anything to cause my first miscarriage or to cause my pre-term labor with our second pregnancy, but I still think about it and question it. It's irrational, but it'll probably never go away. This time, I know for certain that nothing I could have done would have saved this baby. She was sick, she had no chance of survival. It's very, very sad, and I miss her, I think I'd have been a wonderful mother and would have rearranged my entire life in order to do what I needed to for a special needs child. But it wasn't meant to be.

The next good thing is that by knowing she was a girl we could give her a name. And by giving her a name we give her an identity. We have named her Brigit Ann. This coming Monday we will be burying her remains during a small burial service. She'll be buried next to big brother Zachary.

Finally, there is the big question of can this happen again. The answer isn't simple. Nothing is. Basically, the risk of chromosomal abnormalities increases with maternal age, but not necessarily because you've had it happen before. It can happen again, but not necessarily. If the same abnormality occurs more than once there could also be a genetic link (and this gets way more complicated than I'm willing to get into here). In my case, as far as I know, this is not the case. Like I said at the beginning of this post, I have another appointment tomorrow and expect to gain some more information from that one, so my answer here could change, but I have a feeling it won't. Basically, recurrence may not be an issue, but you just never know. This could very well have been a random, one-time event.

One thing we did not have on Friday was all the results of the genetic testing. So there is potentially more info to come. At this point though, I am satisfied with the answers I have gotten so far. They are way more than I had with either of the first two losses.

I still wish things had turned out differently, as I do with all my babies. But I take comfort in all the prayers being said for us and for Brigit. I also take comfort in knowing that my babies are now little saints in Heaven, praising God for all eternity, and capable of interceding for us with their prayers. I like to think of Casey, Zachary, and little Brigit together looking down at us from the comfort of Mary's arms.

A Gift from my Daughter

About two weeks ago I received something in the mail. It really wasn't anything terribly special of unique, in fact I've received many similar items in the mail before. But this one stood out and at first I couldn't explain why. Instead of stashing it away somewhere, I kept it. Some small part of me knew I had to, even if I couldn't explain why.

Recently I started reading a book that I had gotten shortly after Zachary died in early 2009. I started reading it back then, but never finished it. The book is called Naming the Child: Hope-filled Reflections on Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Death by Jenny Schroedel.

I recently finished the chapter on Signs and it was at that point (in addition to information I obtained this past Friday) that everything came together and the little surprise in the mail from a few weeks back suddenly made more sense.

Signs are an important way for parent's to cope with the loss of a child. And these signs can take many, many forms. Just every day occurrences can suddenly have more meaning as a reminder of their child, they can be a bit more supernatural in nature, or it can be something that occurs in a vivid dream. After both my first and second losses I had moments that I would now say were signs from God that my babies were safe with Him. I can never re-create those moments, but I remember the feelings of peace that I felt in my heart each time. Those were very special moments that I will carry with me for the rest of my life.

Each of my losses have been completely different. And any "signs" I have received have also been unique each time. I also don't go looking for them, which is important to say here. Don't think I went looking for some sort of sign this time around just because I had previous ones. I honestly did not.

Now about that little surprise in the mail. I do have to admit that during this entire pregnancy I had a feeling that the baby was a girl. I had no reason, rationally, to think this, but I did. Part of me didn't want to believe it, afraid that I would be disappointed if it wasn't. So I tried to remain neutral, but that feeling was still lurking.

Shortly after we found out that the baby had died I was home alone trying to process everything and make some decisions. I went out to get the mail one afternoon and went through to find the usual bills, fliers, and random pieces of mail from non-profit groups. We generally donate money during the year to a variety of Catholic organizations. As a result we end up on the mailing lists of other Catholic orgs and so we get lots of donation requests in the mail. We also get little gifts in the mail from groups we've donated to and from groups who are hoping to get a donation from us: prayer cards, rosaries, little crosses, and other small things that can be easily mailed. In this particular pile of mail there was an envelope that contained one of these gifts and I guessed correctly that it was a rosary. They are usually easy to identify.

I opened up the envelope and sure enough a rosary. Just a small, cheap plastic one, but it was totally pink. All the beads were tiny heart-shaped beads that were pink. And it had a tiny pink carrying case as well. Even the center piece of the Rosary is heart shaped with Jesus in the center. On the reverse side is a more abstract looking engraving of a mother and child. Upon looking at it, I swear my heart skipped a beat. I wondered again if the baby that was still inside me was indeed a girl and this was a way for God to let me know. I didn't really want to put much stock in it. So I put the Rosary in its carrying case, left is sitting on an end table in the family room, and tried not to think about it.

So there it sat, looking at me every time I walked by it, for two weeks or so.

Fast-forward to this past Friday and I am at my doctor's office for a post-op exam/discussion. Previously she had told me that they would most likely only be able to tell the baby's gender if it was a boy, otherwise they wouldn't be able to be sure because of possible maternal contamination. So, what a surprise when the doctor comes into the exam room and the first thing she tells me is that it was a girl!! That was a complete shock! But the first thing I thought, was "Well, yeah, I kind of knew that already!" And then I thought about the pink Rosary.

There is a lot more I learned at that appointment Friday, and there was a reason why we can be confident that this baby was a girl. But I'll save that for another post.

What I came to see, was that this simple little Rosary I got in the mail was a gift from my little girl, my daughter. This little sign from her is completely different from anything I experienced from my other two babies. But that's because each child is unique in their own little way.

I think I'll be cherishing this little Rosary for a long time to come!! Thank you, baby girl!!

Assembly Required

Nope we did not buy a new piece of furniture or electronic gadget. Instead we had dinner. It was really good, by the way, and we enjoyed it immensely. Some assembly was required, but really it was the preparations that were the real adventure!!

Hubby decided to make lettuce wraps for us. He likes Asian cooking and has experimented in the past with Pad Thai (which he can never get how he wants it), Asian dumplings (which were actually better the second day, in my opinion), and we often do stir fry or egg drop soup or other simpler things. Recently he decided he wanted to try Lettuce Wraps. I even found the recipe online for the Lettuce Wraps at P.F. Chang's, but he decided to use a recipe from one of our Asian cookbooks.

So, he got home from work and started preparing everything. Chopping up the veggies and meat, making the sauce, etc. I thought he had everything under control and I had other things to do tonight, so I wasn't paying a lot of attention at first. Then I noticed that everything had kind of stopped. Well, there were three major things that had to happen to pull this off and two of them required the cook's undivided attention, in other words you couldn't work on both at the same time.

Okay, no problem. I started helping with the lettuce, which wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. Ever try to pull apart a head of iceberg lettuce without breaking the leaves? It's not easy, and it gets harder as you proceed.

As I was working on pulling lettuce leaves apart and getting them washed, hubby had decided to work on getting the bean threads fried before cooking up the filling. Bean threads create quite a mess!! I didn't even realize what they were at first. We had this tightly knit pile of very tough, wire-like "threads" in a ball that had to be pulled apart. So little bits of them were flying everywhere as we tried to do that. Even using scissors didn't help the mess. I'm sure we'll be finding little bits of those things for a while!!

Once the oil was nice and hot hubby started putting small batches of this wire-like stuff in the oil. As soon as they touched the oil they puffed up into those stringy, styrofoam-looking things that you see served at Asian restaurants! It was so cool!! They literally didn't have to be in there for more than a few seconds. It happened so fast. I was enjoying watching it.

But of course they still created a mess. Hot oil jumping out of the pan, in addition to all the little bits of un-cooked bean thread getting all over the counter and floor. Yep, we'll be finding those things for days.

Obviously we couldn't work on the bean threads and stir fry the filling at the same time. So once the bean threads were done and on a plate, we turned our attention to cooking the last part. Hubby goes outside and finds that it has started raining.

Why outside?? I guess I should explain that.

I gave hubby a nice wok for his birthday one year, I think the first year we were married. It's the only birthday gift I've ever given him that has gotten this much use!! A worthy purchase indeed! Anyway, whenever he uses it, he does so on a small burner he has from when he fried a turkey years ago (before I knew him, thank goodness!). He hooks up the burner to the gas tank on the grill and then does his stir frying on that. When it rains, there is a problem. Unlike the grill, there is no cover and rain water getting into the wok actually makes it difficult to stir fry. You need the wok really hot and everything happens pretty quickly, so rain slows down the process and then it just doesn't work.

So, back to the story ... Hubby discovers it is raining just as he needs to cook the filling for our lettuce wraps. I suggest he move the gas tank, burner, and wok to the covered front porch (which he has done before) but he decides he's going to try staying where he is. So then I suggest an umbrella. I really need to stop with the suggestions!! I found myself standing in the backdoor holding an umbrella over the wok while he cooked. Smoke from the oil is filling up our living room, my arms are getting tired, and the heat of the burner is really hot when you're standing right over it. Just as we started, the rain seemed to subside, then it picked up again. Then just as we were finishing up it started up again REALLY hard!!

I have no doubt that we looked a bit strange with me holding an umbrella over the burner and hubby as he knelt on the ground trying to stir fry our dinner in his wok while it rained around us. Thank goodness we have a privacy fence!!

Once we were done, dinner was on the table and we sat down to eat, the rain stopped and the sun came out!! Isn't that always the way?

A little assembly was required as we ate, but nothing like the assembly of putting the meal itself together. Made for an interesting evening!!

The Impossible is Possible

Today a weight was lifted off my shoulders! And it felt good!! I was so worried that things were not going to work out with the hospital and the cemetery. I felt like I was asking for the impossible, though I knew it was possible, I was just made to feel like it was the impossible. Does that make sense?

I agreed, almost two weeks ago now, to undergo the D & C on the condition that we could have the baby's remains so that he/she would get a proper burial. I know this is possible because I have done so much reading and talked to so many people who have been in this situation, that I know it can be done. But my doctor seemed very unsure. But I made it clear that this is what I wanted, so she made some phone calls. It took a while, but she got it all worked out for me. She was great too, despite her uncertainty, she did everything she could to make sure I got what I wanted.

But despite her efforts, I was still worried about it. You just never know when you are dealing with a large institution. But things turned out great. I finally got in touch with the Pathology Lab at the hospital last week and talked to a very nice lady. You could tell she was unsure what to call what I was picking up. She finally settled on "specimen," which I didn't like, but I kept my mouth shut. I know the kind of culture we live in. But I talked to her on the phone three different times between last week and today and she was always very helpful.

So today I finally went to the cemetery to meet with the director there. She goes to my church, this is a Catholic cemetery, and I've seen her at many pro-life events, plus I know she has the adoration hour at our perpetual adoration chapel on Tuesday mornings after my husband's hour. So she has been wonderful!! The moment I got there she gave me a big hug; and then when we sat down she already had the map of the cemetery out with the section that Zachary is buried in. First thing she did was point to the exact plot next to his that I was thinking I wanted!! That was awesome!! I also told her I didn't know what exactly I'd be getting from the hospital, what it would come in, how big/small it would be, etc. But she knew. She told me how it would come and she was mostly right. She also showed me a sample of a box she had bought at a local store that sells home decor type things that is perfect for burying the baby's remains in. She was so helpful and totally reassured me that I wasn't doing anything totally off the wall. That was the first big relief today!

Then this afternoon I went to the hospital. The woman in Pathology was super nice. As I was finishing up the paperwork there was a spot where it asked what my plans for the "specimen" were. I told her I wanted to give the baby a proper burial. And I used the word "baby." And that's what she wrote down. This woman was a perfect stranger, I have no idea what her beliefs are nor will I ever. But if nothing else I hope I planted a seed. It would be nice if they offered this sort of thing at this hospital for those who want it. Yes, my request may have been the first, but maybe it won't be the last. Hopefully, it won't be me having to ask again.

But what a relief to finally go there and pick up what I had wanted from the beginning of this whole thing. And to know that this will all come together.

I still have a few things to do: talk to our priest and set a date, inform family of the date, buy some sort of box or something to use as a coffin, hopefully find out something from the chromosome test so we can give this baby a name (plus we need to agree on a name), and buy a baby blanket to wrap the bottle in before putting it in the "coffin" we buy. But I feel better knowing that the important steps are done and everything is in my hands.

Hrm. That kind of makes me sound like a control freak. But I hope you get me meaning!

Overall today was a good day. I'm just so happy that the seemingly impossible (which I knew wasn't) became possible. I have a follow-up with my doctor on Thursday and I hope to learn more from the test results then, plus be able to tell her that everything worked out perfectly with the lab and that we'll be having a burial service soon.

Another seemingly impossible task: planting seeds with my doctor. Over the course of three losses in two and a half years I have had to repeatedly make my beliefs on birth control clear, as well as other things. I'm not forceful, just clear, but I do sometimes wonder what kind of seeds I may be planting with her.

You never know! Even the most impossible things can become possible!

Review of The Loser Letters

I recently finished reading The Loser Letters by Mary Eberstadt. This was the book my new book club had chosen to read in May. Originally we were supposed to be out of town for the discussion, but circumstances kept us in town, though we still did not attend the book discussion. I'm kind of sorry I didn't make the discussion, because it would have been interesting to hear my friends' thoughts on this book.

I had heard this book discussed on the Catholic Radio station I listen to and it was discussed with so much enthusiasm I was really looking forward to reading it. I also knew to expect a surprise at the end.

Overall the book was interesting. I had a hard time with the very colloquial language of the 20-something set. I guess I'm older than I thought. It was not unintelligible, but all the abbreviations and such that I'm used to seeing on Facebook updates and on instant message conversations was a little weird to have in normal text. I got used to it after a while, but I certainly hope young adults aren't actually writing like this on a regular basis. Though I will say, by using the kind of language it did, the personality of the main character certainly came out quite strong.

The main character of the book is writing a series of letters to the main atheists of the day trying to explain her conversion to their side and what they are doing wrong, which if they could fix would convert more Christians to their side. I actually found the arguments for what the atheists were doing wrong quite good for why Christianity is the better option and makes the most sense. It was kind of a strange way to make those arguments, but it worked in its own weird way.

I won't ruin the ending, because it really is quite unexpected. Definitely worth the read to see how it finally wraps up. Though I will admit that I was a bit confused by the ending and needed to talk it out with my hubby to fully grasp it. Either I'm just a bit more dense than I thought (honor student status was many, many years ago now!!) or I just wasn't fully thinking while I was reading.

Overall, the book is worth reading. It wasn't my favorite book and I expected it to be better than it was due to the hype I was hearing about it, but I did like it. I would recommend it and it is a fairly quick and easy book to read. My guess is that teens and possibly 20-somethings would especially "get it" and enjoy it the most.

The New Normal

My first day back to work and I was fortunate that it turned out to not be a full day. I usually arrive at work around 8:30 in the morning and leave around 5:00 in the afternoon. I originally had an appointment at the cemetery at 9:15, so I went there first and then got to work late in the morning. Turns out the woman at the cemetery was sick and now my appointment is next Monday. Either way, I didn't get into work until a little before 10.

The other nice thing was that I had a previously scheduled hair appointment this afternoon, so that meant I got to leave work early as well (3:30). I didn't plan it this way, but I think it worked out well. That first full day back can be so difficult!!

I think what makes it difficult is because nothing has changed for the people around me. This whole time that I've been gone, grieving the loss of another child, undergoing surgery, and trying to recover from said surgery, everyone else has continued going to work, doing their jobs and carrying on as normal. I know my coworkers feel for me, they care for me, and they are sad that I have to go through this again. But I'm the one that has really had to deal with the physical and emotional pain of all of it.

So for everyone around me what is "normal" hasn't changed. But my normal has.

That's the most difficult thing about entering your life again. It hasn't really changed, but it has changed. And it is a strange feeling.

I didn't have a baby, so I'm not dealing with sleepless nights and a new schedule that involves dropping off and picking up from daycare. I didn't lose a child that results in a change in my regular schedule. On the outside, nothing has changed. Those people who I don't work with very closely, who don't know my situation, see no change in me, my family, or anything around me.

And yet, I feel like so much has changed. Expectations have changed; plans have changed; dreams of changed.

I went into work today and proceeded with my day almost as normal. I did it with an emptiness inside, but I did it. I think today started the new "normal" of my life.

My old normal was as a librarian who likes her job, enjoys being challenged by it, and enjoys the people she works with. The old normal was as a happily married wife, knowing she had two children in heaven and hoping she would have living children one day too. The old normal was convinced that two losses was all she could handle and certainly she wouldn't be put through another or she'd surely lose it. And then things changed ...

The new normal is still as a librarian who still wants to enjoy her job despite her desires for a family. The new normal is still as a happily married wife, but now with three children in heaven. The new normal now comes with doubts about the future family that is so much desired, despite knowing that she is not in a place to think about it right now anyway. The new normal is now trying to understand how she is still standing and moving on after three losses when all she thought she could handle was two.

So much inner turmoil and yet I made it through the day. I know things will get better as each day goes by. I know my physical healing will improve. And I know my emotional healing will take time but will also improve as well.

It's just getting used to this new normal. I was hoping for a different new normal, sometime around mid-December, not this one. But life is full of twists and turns and now is one of those twisty times. It may never make sense in this life, but one day, in another place and another life, I will get to see all three of my babies and hopefully it will all make sense then.

Miscarriage Update

Today is my last day being at home, tomorrow I go back to work. Going back to work has always been hard after a loss. Each time I feel like the mourning period is supposed to be over and I have to be back to normal. I know that the mourning period isn't really over, but this step is a step back toward the normalcy of life "before."

In the meantime, I am recovering physically. My bruises from where IVs were attempted or placed, blood taken, and other mysterious marks are going down. I can get up and down from chairs, the couch, and the bed without any major pain. Where my incisions are don't bother me too much unless I lean against a counter or something. Then I notice them. I'm still tired, but not as much as previously.

The pain that was in my legs is also gone, although I did find some swelling just above the ankle on one leg. I spent some time one day and one night drinking lots of water and keeping my feet up. I've continued drinking lots of water and the swelling seems to be going down. It is no longer tender and the swelling seems to have gone down quite a bit. As long as it isn't bothering me I'm not going to worry too much. But I'll certainly be mentioning it to my doctor when I see her again a week from tomorrow.

I was also very surprised to find that my milk came in. This happened after our last loss, but I was 22 weeks then and delivered that baby. I was not expecting it to happen with a miscarriage. I asked about this on an online miscarriage forum and although no one had experienced this themselves one person found some sources online that mentioned this could happen after a loss as early as 12 weeks. Although our baby died at about 9 weeks, my body was at about 11 weeks, 5 days at the time of the D&C. So amazingly enough, this can happen. I'm wondering if my doctor will be surprised when I mention it to her. Although I was very uncomfortable yesterday and a bit today (and especially sleeping the last couple of nights) it doesn't seem to be quite as bad as the last time. I haven't felt the need to use any cold packs. I expect that by tomorrow I'll be feeling much better.

Speaking of tomorrow, I already have a busy day ahead. It'll be the first day I get to drive. I was told one week, tomorrow is one day short, but I feel ready. I first have an appointment with the cemetery in the morning following which I'll go into work. Since I haven't been there in a week and a half, I'm sure I'll have a lot waiting for me. But I get to leave early as well, I have a hair appointment scheduled in late afternoon. I'm kind of glad, I always find it hard to be back at work for a full day after going through something like this. So this has worked out well.

I'm not entirely looking forward to being back at work, but it must be done. Things may never feel the same as "before" but I guess that means I get to start another new "after." It's always a challenge.

The Sanctity of Marriage?

Notice the question mark in my title? I happened to catch something on TV this morning that really surprised me. Maybe it shouldn't have given how our society looks at marriage and family. "Sanctity" doesn't seem to exist.

I turned on the TV today and the Today Show was on. I don't normally watch it, but that's the station the TV had been on when we shut it off last night. Matt Lauer was talking to some woman (I never found out if she was a gossip columnist or a marriage counselor or what) and they were discussing the break-up of Al and Tipper Gore's 40 year marriage.

Apparently being married 40 years is a success even if you decide to break-up. Both Mr. Lauer and his guest seemed to think that after 40 years, deciding to go your separate ways doesn't mean your marriage was a failure. Really?? I thought marriage was for life, "till death do us part"? But apparently, they both felt that 40 years was quite an accomplishment and that they deserved to end things and do some new things. They also felt that since the children were grown, that wasn't an issue.

When did marriage just become a convenience that can be thrown out whenever you wanted? Whenever it no longer suited you? And who says it doesn't effect the children?

(I'm not naive, I know this sentiment has been around a long time, but it really hit me this morning.)

I remember my mother telling me that someone she knew in our neighborhood was very upset because her parents were getting a divorce. This wasn't a child, this was a grown woman with children of her own. I don't think it matters how old your children are when you divorce; it is still devastating to them. The issues are different (yes, if your children are adults there are no custody issues or anything like that) but there are still issues: holidays, can you invite both mom and dad to an event, doubts regarding your parent's relationship while you were growing up, and I'm sure many, many other things.

But more important to my point of this post, what happened to the sanctity of marriage? The idea that marriage is meant for life? When did we get to the point that at some later stage in life it is suddenly okay to divorce because your marriage lasted x-number of years? Whether it is 4 years or 40 years, a marriage ending is a sad thing, and not a success in my opinion. (BTW, I am not speaking about marriages that end because of abuse or some other awful thing occurring in the home. Marriages like that obviously need help and sometimes the best option is for it to end, for the health and well-being of the abused spouse and/or children.)

From the Catechism of the Catholic Church, paragraph 1601:
"The matrimonial covenant, by which a man and a woman establish between themselves a partnership of the whole of life, is by its nature ordered toward the good of the spouses and the procreation and education of offspring; this covenant between baptized persons has been raised by Christ the Lord to the dignity of a sacrament."

The key words for me are "covenant," "for the whole of life," "ordered toward the good of the spouses," and "raised ... to the dignity of a sacrament." This is only one very tiny section in the Catechism on marriage. There is much, much more. The Church holds marriage up on a pedestal. It is the entire basis of the family and thus for society.

When marriage becomes nothing more than a convenience for two people who are open to ending that marriage whenever they feel it is no longer something they are interested in, it becomes almost like a business partnership. There is no security in that (for the spouses, the children, and everyone around them).

Really I'm just mostly amazed that because the Gore's were married for 40 years, their marriage can still be considered a "success" even if they split up. At what point can a marriage break-up and still be considered a success? Is it a number of years? Does it depend on whether there are children or not? How old the children are? What is it?

For me, coming at marriage from a sacramental point of view (that's no secret), the end of any marriage is something to be mourned. I do not consider the Gore's to have had a successful marriage just because, well, they made it 40 years and that's more than many couples these days. What a cop-out!!

This is just one symptom of how our society is quickly falling into complacency. It's really sad! There are no more standards and many standards that are around are sort of relational. There is no right or wrong any longer, it is all just up to individuals. If it feels right, then do it and what's right for one isn't necessarily right for someone else.

What a load of crap! Really? This is where society is going? It is scary and it makes raising kids very hard. This is one symptom, there are many, many more.

Some Explanations!!

A friend emailed me and helped explain some of the things I was confused about regarding my surgery on Friday. It was nice to have the explanations now rather than waiting for my follow-up appointment in two weeks to ask my questions.

The second incision was for air. When they have to put in a scope they also need air to expand things so they can see what they are doing. Thus why there are two incisions. Definitely a nice thing to know!

Turns out the air is probably also what is causing some additional pain I just started having last night. My legs feel like I've been lifting weights or running a marathon and are really, really sore. But my mother had told me that she had felt a soreness after a procedure she had done that also required a scope and being pumped up with air. In the time the air disperses, but in the meantime it causes quite a bit of pain. Because it is in my legs, walking has become very difficult, especially if I sit too long. So I am getting up and walking around the house when I can and that helps. I slept with my pregnancy pillow last night and that helped a lot, too.

It was also explained to me why I had to be intubated. Apparently the anesthesia I started out with is fine for the usual D&C, but once they needed to start making incisions, they needed to give me a general anesthesia. That basically paralyzes your body, thus why I needed to be intubated (in order to breathe) and I had to have the catheter put in (so the bladder didn't create a mess). Again, good to know!

I am finally feeling a lot more like myself. I am still having moments when I feel a bit of nausea, but not enough yet that I feel I need to take the medication I have for it. My throat is better, probably 98% normal, and I can get up and down off the couch without any help. Still need a bit of help getting in and out of bed, but in a pinch I can do it on my own as well. But I'll take the help if it's available!

Our Day at the Hospital

Despite what we were told, we basically spent the entire day on Friday at the hospital. Things didn't go exactly as planned, but luckily I checked out okay by late afternoon and was allowed to go home. So what follows is an update on what happened, or the parts I'm clear on at the moment. And fair warning, this may be a longish post.

So first, it's probably important to explain how things should have gone. I would hate for someone to read this and think that my story is what a typical D&C is like. It is not!! Most D&C procedures are much easier. And even what I went through probably could have been worse. So for that, I'm grateful.

The typical procedure would be that they connect you to an IV (which in my mind was the worst part), the anesthesia is given to you through the IV and you drift off to sleep. The procedure itself takes 15-20 minutes, and you spend about 45-60 minutes in recovery. Once you are awake and they are satisfied that you are okay, you can go home. During the actual procedure, the cervix is dilated and then a suction is inserted to remove all the contents of the uterus. In a normal procedure the doctor can feel the lining of the uterus with the suction and can do the whole procedure without actually seeing anything. This is what makes the procedure fairly easy, because there are no incisions and recovery is easy.

Friday morning we arrived at the hospital at 6:30am. Honestly, I wasn't nervous, I trust my doctor, and I knew I wouldn't remember anything anyway. The only thing that worried me was getting the IV, mostly because the IV hurt so much when I got one in January 2009. We checked in and got registered, found our way to the correct floor (Good Sam has a very confusing layout), and then sat in the waiting room for about an hour or more. They finally called me back after 8am and got me settled, Chris was still in the waiting room. It was during this time that I got connected to the IV and some blood samples were taken. I don't understand why they always start on the top of your hand when trying to do an IV. I did well, though, despite the pain and the fact that apparently my vein moved after the nurse got the needle in, I didn't jerk away or anything. But in the end, they had to try a different spot. So the IV eventually went in on my upper right arm halfway between the wrist and the elbow. They drew some blood samples through the IV line and got me connected to the IV itself. Then Chris was finally allowed back to see me.

While we waited, we talked to some anesthesia doctors, got the massage boots put on (I love those things), had someone else come in and take more blood, and talked to my doctor before things started. Finally they came to move me, started the IV stuff and wheeled me into surgery. I vaguely remember being brought in and seeing several people around, seeing my doctor and getting the oxygen mask put on. After that I remember nothing. Anesthesia really is a blessing!

I awoke later to find tubes up my nose and was very groggy and confused. Chris tells me that while he waited in the waiting room, someone called him a few times to say it would be another 45-60 minutes and that I was doing well. But the length of time they told him never changed. Finally, I guess once I was out and in recovery, my doctor went and talked to him. She told him that I had lost a lot of blood. She also couldn't feel the top of my uterus with the suction and so was kind of blind. As a result, they had to put in a scope which required an incision on my belly button. I have two incisions and I'm still unclear what the second one was for. Anyway, I was also intubated during surgery, meaning they had to put a tube down my throat. Again, I'm not entirely clear why this became necessary. But it did mean that I awoke with a very sore and scratchy throat. And, a catheter was put in; I don't know if that is typical, but I have a feeling it is not. I'm just thankful I was out for that, since I know caths are not fun! The amount of blood lost, according to my husband, was about twice what you would give if you went to donate blood. Thus explaining my very weakened state when I finally came to. Thankfully, they didn't feel that I needed a transfusion.

Chris was also told that I was fighting the nurses when I started waking up in recovery. I do not remember that at all! I remember being asked questions and asking some questions and saying thank you a lot. Maybe there was something before that which I don't remember.

I finally got moved to a room and Chris was able to join me. I was still pretty groggy, but apparently doing well. I was surprised to have someone come in around 2:30 in the afternoon to take more blood again! I found out later that this last blood sample was to check my hemoglobin levels to make sure I was okay to go home that same day. Finally the cath was removed around 3:30 and once I was able to get up (with a lot of help) and use the bathroom, I was good to go. I needed quite a bit of help to get dressed and move around, but I was starting to feel better. By about 4:30 or so we finally got discharged.

Driving home was horrible!! As soon as I got in the car and we started moving I thought I was going to be sick!! I managed to not be, and the feeling finally passed about halfway through our drive. No wonder they told me not to drive for a week. Once home, I got settled on the couch, and Chris went to the store to get my prescriptions filled and pick up a few things. I have 5 prescriptions, though I'm really only taking two regularly and occasionally one of the pain meds.

So that was our day at the hospital. What should have been just a few hours turned into a much longer day. But thankfully I'm doing well and I didn't have to spend the night. Hopefully this explains everything for those who had questions or were curious to know how things went. Thanks again to everyone who has been praying for us during this time!!

Today's Challenges and Blessings

So while I await tomorrow's procedure, I am still dealing with all the normal pregnancy symptoms. Because the placenta is still functioning, it causes all my hormone levels to be normal for a pregnancy and I feel the typical nausea and fatigue. As a result, I haven't really done much of anything this week. I figured a week off would be nice (even if I couldn't be in Hilton Head as was the plan) and I'd get some things done around the house. Yeah, yeah, I should be relaxing and resting and so forth. I figured the other stuff would be a nice distraction while also getting many, many things done that I've put off for way too long. Instead the resting and doing nothing thing is what really happened (unless you count watching nonstop HGTV as doing something).

But, because of the nausea, I have to eat something every few hours in order to not feel totally sick. Today I seemed particular sickly, which made this evening a bit more challenging.

Because we went to Mass tonight, which was at 5:30, I knew I couldn't eat anything after 4:30. So I think I ate last at around 4:15 tonight. I knew I'd be okay for a couple hours, but I didn't know how long it would be before we finally got home.

So we left at 5:00 and made it to church just before 5:30. The church bells went off during communion, so I knew it was 6:00pm at that point. Mass ended and then we went to the Cathedral offices for the Anointing of the Sick.

Several people I knew were at Mass tonight and they joined us. It was great to receive this special blessing before having surgery. And it was really wonderful to be surrounded by so many wonderful people. I do feel much more at peace at the moment. I hope that feeling continues tomorrow morning!

By the time we finished up and left the church, hubby decided to stop at the grocery store thus not getting us home until 7:00. Wow, I was starving and the nausea was certainly back full steam. Luckily we had some yummy, homemade chicken-noodle soup in the fridge (thanks to a wonderful friend) and hubby made a quick salad.

Hubby was also thinking of me. Ah, isn't he sweet! The stop at Kroger was to get some strawberries and whipping cream so he could make strawberry shortcake for dessert. Dessert is definitely a good thing tonight!! And it was really good with his homemade biscuit-like shortcakes.

So I have a few hours before midnight, after which I am not allowed to have anything (not even water) until after the surgery. I've requested tomato soup and grilled cheese for lunch when we get home tomorrow. And I may still have one more thing to eat tonight before heading to bed.

So far no nerves, I'll count that as a blessing. The challenges today have definitely been the nausea. The most important blessing of all was receiving the Eucharist and the Anointing of the Sick and having so many wonderful people praying for us, surrounding us, bringing us dinner, and just being there for us in so many ways.

A Baby goes to Heaven

It is with much sadness that I have to write this post. I have been putting it off for several days, but finally feel that it is time to get all my thoughts out and to let everyone know what has been going on for the last week or more. I will try to be coherent in what follows, but forgive me if I start rambling.

Mu husband and I confirmed on Easter weekend this year that we were pregnant once again. We were very excited, though a little nervous as well. After two losses, it was hard to get overly excited. We waited to start telling our families until Mother's Day weekend. That weekend, we used Skype to talk with my parents and one of my sisters and share our news with them. I also called my other two siblings and shared our news with them. On that Sunday we had my husband's parents over for dinner and told them and then he called several of his siblings to share the news with them. At that point I was almost at 9 weeks. We started telling people very slowly after that over the next week or so.

Also by that time, we had already had two ultrasounds. I had seen the baby at 6 weeks and saw the heartbeat. Everything looked good. Two weeks later, at 8 weeks, I saw the high risk doctor and had another ultrasound. Again, I got to see a perfect little baby and saw and heard the heartbeat. It was beating away at 171 bpm. Everything looked great! Through all of this I was feeling the constant nausea that is common in early pregnancy (never actually getting sick, just the feelings of it) and was extremely fatigued. All good signs and the doctors were all feeling positive about what they had been able to see thus far.

On Thursday May 20 I went in for a routine appointment, hoping to hear the heartbeat one more time before leaving for our vacation two days later. Because I was at 10 weeks, 4 days, they decided to use the ultrasound machine rather than the Doppler to find the heartbeat. The Doppler apparently works better once you get past the 11th/12th week. Now, my doctor's office also had just moved to a new location and the ultrasound machines they had at this new office were new to my doctor and she wasn't 100% comfortable using it. So she started the process and got the thing working. It took a little while but she finally found the baby but was having a hard time getting the picture to zoom in. Finally she decided to get someone to help her. She came back a minute later with another doctor and decided to do an internal ultrasound instead of the external like she had tried the first time.

I have been in this situation so many times now. Once the doctor starts an ultrasound and doesn't let you see the screen there is either something wrong or they think something may be wrong. So I was watching their faces, which was not encouraging. Once we finished and the second doctor left my doctor started telling me the news. The baby had stopped growing at 9 weeks and there was no heartbeat. The placenta seemed to be functioning still and was a little larger than it should have been at that point.

After hearing all this, she gave me a moment alone to get dressed again and call my husband. He wanted to come over, but it was close to rush hour and he had never been to this new location, so I knew it would take him way too long to get from his office on the edge of the city into downtown and find where I was, near lots of construction as well. So I told him to go home and I'd meet him there. I then talked to my doctor again and she explained our three options but told me to not make any decisions, go home and she would see me again in a few days to talk more.

So this Tuesday, two days ago, hubby and I went back to talk with the doctor again. My options were one, to wait and allow the miscarriage to happen naturally; two, to take the medication (cytotec, I think it's called) which would get the miscarriage going, but I'd still miscarry at home; or three, to do a suction D&C. I'd been through a natural miscarriage once before and wasn't sure I wanted to do that again. Plus, I am further along this time then I was that first time, so the cramping would probably be worse and it would be a LOT more blood. Not really something you want to wait out. Also, since the placenta was still functioning, there was no telling how long I would have to wait. The medication would speed that process up, but it was still essentially a long process of bleeding and cramping, probably at home. So after discussing the procedure more, asking lots of questions, and discussing the risks, we decided that the D&C was the best option. I am scheduled for the D&C on Friday morning and plan on wearing my St. Gianna bracelet that a friend made for me when I go.

With the D&C we also have the opportunity to have some tests done, which would not be able to happen if I miscarried naturally. There will be some chromosome and genetic testing done. This may or may not tell us anything.

One thing they can tell us is if the baby is a boy or was possibly a girl. The boy possibility is more definite than the girl possibility. But I don't care, if they have a good guess, that's good enough for me and I will feel comfortable giving this child a name and an identity that we can remember him/her by. In addition, after some pushing on my part and my doctor having to talk to two pathology people, they agreed that the baby's remains can be given to us after the testing is done so that we can give this child a proper burial. My plan at this point is to do a simple burial ceremony. I don't know when this will happen, it could still be several weeks away. But we'll probably keep it small and intimate, mostly just family. But it will be nice for this child to be buried next to his/her brother Zachary.

Tomorrow morning I go to the hospital at 6:30am for the D&C. I'm nervous, but mostly just because I haven't been put under for anything since I was in 8th or 9th grade to get my wisdom teeth removed. I also remember how much the IV hurt going in last year when I was in the hospital with Zachary. But, I know I'll get through it. I'm going to Mass tonight and seeing a priest afterwards for the anointing. I'll have my St. Gianna medal with me as well. And of course, we have the prayers of lots and lots of family and friends.

Thank you to everyone who has been praying for us and for all the notes, emails, FB comments and messages, and the many, many offers of help that so many have offered us. We are truly blessed to have so many wonderful friends and family.

Easy Fundraiser!! Come participate!!

This Thursday (May 20) there will be an easy, easy fundraiser to help raise money for the Kentucky Memorial for the Unborn. It's easy because all you have to do is come have dinner at Chick-fil-A, bring a voucher with you, and 20% of your purchase helps the Memorial. How easy is that!? Read on for specific details.

Come to the Harrodsburg Rd. Chick-fil-A in Lexington between 5:00pm and 8:00pm on Thursday May 20. Bring the voucher pictured here (right click and save it as a jpg on your computer and then print it out). Hand in the voucher when you purchase your meal and you're done. I believe there will be people there with extra vouchers in case you forget to bring it with you.

The Memorial itself will be in Frankfort. It is being erected to recognize all the precious lives lost through miscarriage, stillbirth, and abortion. It is meant to be a contemplative garden and will contain some walls with inscriptions in memory of all these children. I am hoping to eventually make a contribution so that we can have an inscription in honor of our Casey, who we lost in 2008. I would love to be able to have a place to visit and see her name for all to know that this child was loved. I have that with Zachary and would love to be able to have the same for Casey.

Please, if you can, come out tomorrow night and help support the Kentucky Memorial for the Unborn (click on the link to read more and see the plans).

Surprise Fun!!

Tuesday night we had the fun of throwing a surprise party!! It was such a great time and I'm so glad we did it!! Here's how it all went down.

A dear friend just adopted a baby from Korea. I mentioned her blog in a recent post, but once again, here is the link that details their trip to Korea, meeting their new baby for the first time, bringing him home, and a bit on the first week adjusting to all the newness, and of course the cuteness! They got back to Lexington last Tuesday evening, just a week ago.

While they were gone I talked with a few friends about doing something for her and her husband and their new son. Normally we have our small group Cursillo gathering on Tuesday evenings, so I devised a plan to convince her to come to our meeting just one week after she was back in town and to bring the baby. We would forgo the usual Cursillo format and just catch up and get a chance to meet the baby, etc. We even planned to start a half hour earlier since the baby may need to get to bed at a reasonable time.

So upon our friend's return to the States I started discussions with her to get this to all work out. In the meantime, other people we all knew had also been invited and were in on the secret. We had a few stumbling blocks, but in the end it all worked out.

I got a cake to celebrate the event from Brown's Bakery, which I highly recommend. They did a great job decorating it, it was very, very cute! I didn't get a picture, but some others people did, so I'll post a pic once I can get a copy from someone else. Several people brought some gifts and we had a really great time. My friend showed up with the baby and was definitely surprised to see everyone there. It was such a special thing to celebrate!! Especially after years of infertility struggles and years waiting on an adoption from China, it was so amazing how fast the adoption through Korea went. And now they have a beautiful baby boy to rejoice in!! It was such a fun celebration for everyone who came!

I'm so glad the whole thing worked out. There were a few moments when I thought the whole thing was going to fall through, but it came together in the end. And it was so fun to see everyone, see my friend and her husband again, meet the baby, and get to hear how things were going.

What a blessing for these two special people!! And a very fun night all around!

The Quiet Life?

Sometimes when I get the urge to write I feel that there is nothing to say. So I give up. It makes me wonder if my life has become a little too quiet lately. Maybe it has, I don't know. Though it certainly feels full in the living it out part.

Mother's Day was this past weekend. I had posted a lovely poem then that moms who have lost their children would be very touched by. I know I was, thus the reason for posting it.

At the end of Mass Sunday morning there was the usual blessing over the mothers. We had a visiting priest who apparently was not used to having to use a microphone and the microphone the deacon had was not working (I also don't understand half of what that particular deacon says anyway due to his accent, so the terrible mic situation made it all the worse). So understanding the blessing was a little tough. I did stand up with the other moms. I am not one to sit in my seat because I don't have any living children and if anyone were to ask me about it (which no one did) I would gladly tell them that my babies are in heaven. I am happy and blessed to have two little saints there already.

Following the blessing, the deacon asked all the children to come forward and take a rose to bring back to their mother (though, he did have to make the announcement twice, moving to a different mic the second time, since no one moved after his first announcement). That part was a little sad for me, so I quietly sat back down and waited. Well, my goddaughter's family was sitting a few rows in front of us. Although she wasn't with them (she was in the nursery) her two older brothers both went up and got a rose and one of them brought one to me. I was very touched!!

In other exciting news, a dear friend of mine just got back from a trip to South Korea, bringing her baby son home with her!! I finally got a chance to talk to her tonight and I am so excited for her. What an amazing trip they had and what an amazing little boy they brought back with them. I can't wait to actually see her and meet her little boy. If you're curious to read more, her and her husband created a blog that they used while they were away to journal about the experience. They have pictures up now too! You can read it all at the blog Baby Andrew.

Soon we'll be heading off on a vacation to Hilton Head. I'm looking forward to time with my family and just some good R&R. In addition to being with my family while we're actually in Hilton Head, we'll be seeing some other friends and family during the trip down and back. We'll get to see friends of mine in Greenville, who I went to college with and whose son is my godson. Then on our trip back we'll be stopping in Asheville, NC to visit with one of my cousins and his family. These stops help us break up the trip and gives us a chance to see people we don't normally get to see. I know so many more people along our route, but we can't see everyone. So this year those are the stops we're making.

The other fun part about the trip is seeing other churches. We'll be in Greenville on Pentecost Sunday (Happy Birthday, Church) and attending (I'm assuming) St. Mary's parish in downtown. We've been there before and they have a beautiful church and it's always an amazing and reverent Mass. I haven't figured out yet where in Asheville we're attending. I looked up the Catholic Churches in that area and there are two in Asheville, one is a Basilica in downtown and another is somewhere else in the city. I'll figure it out before we get there for sure. Anyone have any recommendation, I'll be happy to take them.

Life often feels quiet, but really there is a lot going on. Not always with me, but often with the people around me. And that's fine. I'm blessed to have such wonderful people in my life! Otherwise, my life wouldn't just be quiet, it'd be down right boring! I'm definitely blessed with many wonderful friends and family!

Happy Mother's Day to ALL Mothers

I found this posted on an online Catholic forum I read. It's such a great poem for reminding everyone that there are many, many mothers out there whose children are no longer with them. For all those mothers, this is for you.

What Makes A Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here

He took a breath
and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear
My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons are through
And on the day you come home
they'll be at the gates for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
Though some on earth
May not realize
Until their time is done
Remember all the love you have
And know that you are
A Special Mom

Author Unknown

May Update

I find it hard to believe that we're now a third through the year already. Why does time seem to speed up as we get older? Probably not worth our time to ponder that, how about what's been going on since my last update?

New Year's Resolutions? Well, was doing good posting on the blog, obviously not much lately. Hopefully I'll be able to get back into this again soon. Secondly is our daily Rosary. Gotten a slack on that lately, but did manage to say one tonight. We were doing really well up until a few months ago, but still manage to get in a few a week. We're working on getting back into it.

My reading has gone down hill as well. I did manage to read Pope Benedict's second encyclical, Spe Salve, which I really liked. Didn't post a review because I wanted to read the next encyclical and then write one review of both. Unfortunately I haven't gotten around to reading it yet. But, we recently started a book group up with some friends and we'll hopefully be reading a book a month soon. We're starting with the book The Loser Letters, which I'm looking forward to reading.

My fourth resolution was the non-weight loss goal of eating healthier. I did well on that for a while and then Easter hit. Kind of fell off the wagon, but I'm slowly climbing back on.

Other news? Hmm, really not much else. I managed to get through my first Cursillo weekend as the Pre-Cursillo Chair. It was a lot of work, but everyone got to where they needed to be and all the ladies (and the two deacons and one priest) all had a great time. I attended the final ceremony on Sunday night and it was great to hear everyone's witness on how they felt closer to Christ through their experiences on the weekend. I'm looking forward ot that carrying through when we gather again on Thursday for a regional get together. I'm now taking a short break and then I will be turning my focus to the Men's Weekend in October.

Basically Cursillo has taken over my life the last month. So really not much else going on here. Hopefully May will be a much mroe quiet month.

Hope everyone is having a great spring!!

Nothing is Impossible

It is 9pm here, I should be getting ready for bed considering I have to be up at 4:30 in order to make it to my adoration hour by 6am, but instead I'm writing. Hopefully, I'll get up on time tomorrow morning despite my late night foray into writing. Like my title says, nothing is impossible ...

Of course, I'm not sure getting up on time is really the kind of impossibility I was thinking about when I decided to start writing. No ... it most certainly wasn't. Okay, so back to the matter at hand ...

Nothing is impossible. That's a quaint little phrase, one that we often here growing up: nothing is impossible, you can be whatever you want to be, etc., etc. I know I heard it a lot and it certainly is a great motivation to work hard, do well in school, go to college and so on and so forth. Not a bad thing and I'm sure I'll do it with my own kids as well.

More recently I have often heard this phrase with the addition of two little words. Two words that make a huge difference in the meaning of that phrase.

Nothing is impossible ... with God.

I've seen evidence of that just recently in my life. And it is an amazing thing. First of all, thinking about that phrase in the context of God makes me realize that in many ways we are not in control of our lives. Often even the things we think we have control over we really don't. The only one who truly is in control is God. No matter how much planning we do, sometimes things just don't work the way we want them to. Things have to happen in God's time.

A friend of mine has been married for about 3 and a 1/2 years. They waited a little while after they first got married before they started trying to have kids, but not too long. Like most young couples, they thought they'd get pregnant when they wanted to and have a baby when they wanted to, and future babies in the same way. Unfortunately that is not what happened. After many struggles they just did finally get pregnant! What a complete and total blessing for this wonderful couple!! I'm super excited for them. The baby is due about four months after their four year anniversary. Not the plan they had in mind.

But I'm sure that it was a plan in Someone's mind. God knew the proper timing and nothing this couple (or any of us struggling with the same issues) could have done could have changed that.

The amazing thing is that this couple's struggles turned into some wonderful blessings for many other couples. This friend of mine started a blog that for the most part documented her struggles with NFP, insensitive OBs, experiences with NaPro Technology and all sorts of medical tests and shots and the list goes on. Through that blog she met others facing the same struggles and some of them learned things from her that helped them eventually get pregnant. In addition, she started a Catholic Infertility Support Group in my area. Through that other women have been able to come together and offer each other support and help as we all struggle through similar things.

And through all of this we know God is with us. Even when it doesn't feel like He's there, He is. And one of the most important lessons we all have to learn is that everything is in His timing. But more importantly, nothing is impossible with God. We must keep Him by our side, pray for His help, and know that He has a bigger plan than we could ever imagine.

My friend, the mother-to-be, is a great example of this. Through her so many other people have benefited from her knowledge and help and her willingness to share her story.

God, we come to you with our sorrows, our pains, and our grief. We pray for healing from our doubts, help in following your will, and the patience necessary to be open to your plan and not our own. Amen.

Spring in the Bluegrass

It's spring!! A little early for the Bluegrass, but I think the 80 degree temps today are just a taste of what's down the pike in another couple months. We'll be back in the 60s again before too long. But it's great to see flowers coming up and trees blooming, to sleep with the windows open, and to see the sun when I leave for work and it's still there on my way home!!

Now is also a good time to review those New Year Resolutions I made!

Posting on the blog more: well, I'm attempting and not doing too bad. I don't want to overwhelm the blog, but I don't want to lose readers either because I'm so slack on posting. Not sure if I have found that balance, though I'm sure I'm nowhere near being overwhelming. Anyone care to comment??

Daily Rosary: Doing good!! We've missed an occasional night here and there, but otherwise, we manage it almost every night. And we've gotten to the point that I'm not the only one remembering that we have to do it. I consider that an accomplishment!

Read more: I have finished four books this year. Not too bad in three months. Of course, I had a list of six to read during Lent and that didn't happen. Obviously I sometimes set out-of-reach goals. (Who me??) I'm also very close to finishing book number 5. Look for a post on that coming soon.

Healthier Lifestyle: This resolution was made in the hope of losing some weight, though that wasn't really the overall goal. However, I have lost about 5% of my body weight since the beginning of the year. Overall, I think I'm making some wiser choices and doing well. We currently have quite a bit of Easter candy in the house, but hey, it's the Octave of Easter, these are feast days! Seriously though, haven't lost much in a while, but I'm holding steady. I'll take that for now.

So that's it on the resolutions. Anyone else still keeping track of the resolutions you made in January??

Remembering Two Years Later

Two years ago I lost my first child. For many people, it wasn't a child, it only had the "potential" for life. But for those who know that life begins at conception (which is biology, not politics), each and every pregnancy loss is the loss of a child.

We named our baby Casey Marie. Unlike her little brother, we never got to see her on an ultrasound or hold her in our arms. She died not long after we found out she existed.

I went to Mass today in commemoration for this tiny life that lived inside me for just over 8 weeks. I personally dedicated that Mass not just to my little Casey, but to all families who have lost children to miscarriage, stillbirth, or abortion and to all those couples who struggle with infertility and long to conceive a child.

No matter how far you get away from a loss such as a miscarriage, you never forget. It is not the kind of thing that you "get over" and "move on" from. And if anyone ever tells you differently then they've never been through it. Two years later, I still miss all the possibilities we could have had with our baby. The birthdays, the milestones, the hope for her future, even sickness and tears. All those things are part of caring for a child and I never got to do any of them with this baby.

But I still celebrate the life this child had, no matter how short it was, and I don't regret for a minute that I have shared this child's life with everyone and anyone. Naming our child was very important and I couldn't imagine ever pretending she didn't exist just so I wouldn't have to talk about a death to anyone. We live in a culture of death that no one likes to talk about. We talk about abortion like it is some sort of right (and those that push for it seem to forget about the child's rights) when it is really about murdering a child. By sharing my story of my baby's life, I am reminding people that life begins long before we even know it is there. This is my small part in helping to change our culture into a culture of life.

By the grace of God, my baby is in Heaven close to Him. From the moment we lost Casey I imagined her in Mary's arms. Even though I wasn't able to hold my child on earth, I know that she is held in the arms of our spiritual Mother. That is a great comfort. During a Memorial Mass we had for Casey several months after we lost her, someone came up to me afterwards and told me that she saw Mary during the Mass holding my little baby. I was stunned, because at that point I had never told anyone about my own imaginings. I will never forget that.

In addition, knowing that my child is in Heaven means that she can pray for us. She can intercede with God just like any of the saints. I call Casey, and her brother Zachary, my little saints. It is a blessing to know that my children are part of the communion of angels and saints, they can intercede for us in our prayers, and they can pray for us as well. I often ask them for prayers. Prayers from those in Heaven are so powerful!!

So although this is a sad day, it is also a day filled with happiness and hope. Happiness because I know my child is in Heaven for all eternity with the Blessed Mother Mary, our Savior Jesus Christ, and God the Creator of us all. Hope because I pray everyday that one day I will join her in Heaven and be able to hold her in my arms.