Survey on Miscarriage Resources

Today on Facebook a friend of mine shared a link to this survey for women who have experienced a miscarriage. I believe it is being done by the Archdiocese of Washington. They are working on developing resources and information for those who have been affected by miscarriage and are looking for information from those who have gone through a loss.

I completed the survey and it had questions on there about your own loss, how you dealt with the grief, what resources you used or where you got information, what you wished was available to you, and much more. It was a pretty comprehensive survey.

If you have the time and are so incline, I encourage you to  fill out the survey yourself and help the archdiocese in their quest to provide more and better information to other parents who may experience the pain of miscarriage.

Thanks!!

https://s.zoomerang.com/s/miscarriagesurvey

Loving Casey

It's hard to admit that you have to learn to love your babies. You hear so many women talk about the immense love they have for their children from the first moment they saw them that you feel like a bad mom if you don't experience the same thing.

Then I read an article someone had shared on Facebook recently: 20 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Postpartum. The author admits in this article (#9) that loving her babies after they were born did not happen immediately, it took time. She articulated better than I ever could how it took time for her to grow to love this tiny little human that you are solely responsible for. I was so relieved to read these words! That's me, too!

When all three of my boys came into the world, I was overjoyed to finally get to meet them. I was overjoyed (especially with the twins) that they made it safely! I got a bit emotional over the experience as well. But "love at first sight" it was not. And that's okay. The profound love I have for my children grows over time as I get to know them and experience their presence in my life. It was nice to read that I was not alone in that.

It also got me thinking about loving the children we have lost as well. As someone that has to get to know my children over time, how do I feel love for a child I've never seen? Or only seen for a short time before he was taken away from me?

Six years ago today we said good bye to our first child. Casey Marie was only 8 weeks in the womb when she was miscarried. We never saw her on ultrasound, never held her, barely knew of her existence before she was gone. There was no opportunity to experience her over time. There was no time. So how does one go about loving a child you barely knew?

I've been asking myself this all weekend. How to explain it? Because the fact is, I do love her. But I didn't get to experience being with her in the same way as I have my other children. I never got the opportunity to be with her, to watch her grow, to get to know her as a person.

I came to the realization that although I have not experienced her physically in the here and now, I have still experienced her presence, just in a very different way. The first moments after the miscarriage were covered in grief. That grief persisted for some time. Quite a long time.

But slowly, as time has gone on, I have come to accept her place in heaven away from me (for now). Accepting the loss of Casey doesn't make me forget. Instead I can pray for her soul. I can also ask her for prayers and for her intercession when we need it. Over time I have come to know my child through prayer in a way that is different from how I have gotten to know my living children. And through that I have come to love her.

She is my first child and as her mother, she has a special place in my heart. A place that is full of love for her. And I look forward to the day when we can be reunited and I can tell her face-to-face, "I love you."

Happy Birthday, Casey!

Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day

Today, October 15, is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. This is a day to remember all those babies who have passed on to the next life before they could experience much of this one. This is a day to help women heal as they recognize the true gift their children are to them, even when they only had a short time to be with them. This is a day when women can share stories, cry tears of healing, and not feel alone in their grief.

As a Catholic I believe that my children are in heaven with God, held tightly in Mary's arms. I believe that my desire to baptize my children is enough for my children to have received "baptism by desire." I believe that they are now saints, they can pray for me, their father, and their siblings, and that one day, God willing, we will all join them in heaven where our family will be complete.

My children in heaven are:
Casey Marie, lost too soon on March 31, 2008
Zachary Thomas, lost too soon on January 11, 2009
Brigit Ann, lost too soon on May 10, 2010

In commemoration of today, everyone can participate in the Wave of Light at 7 P.M. in whatever timezone you are in. Light a candle (or more than one) for one hour beginning at 7 P.M. in remembrance of the babies lost due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or early infant loss. If someone in every timezone across the world did this for one hour, we would have 24 hours of a candle lit somewhere for all these babies.

Also, over at Catholic Sistas today, we are hosting a link-up. We hope that others will take some time today to write something about their own children and share it on their blogs which then they can share with our readers at Catholic Sistas. Sharing stories is something women often do to help each other in the healing process during tough times. It helps to know that we are not alone and that others have experienced similar grief to our own. If you are able to participate we hope you will. And check back on the blog throughout the day as we post a series of stories on pregnancy loss. There will be lots of good reading over there today, don't miss it.

I just wanted to share once again the Pregnancy Loss Resources that I have put together. The most comprehensive list I have so far is the Miscarriage.InfantLoss Board on Pinterest. In addition, there is the list of resources I have listed right here on this blog. See the link at the top of the page or click here. I'm always interested in other resources, so if you know of one I have not linked to yet, please let me know. And please share these resources with others who may be in need of them.

Finally, if you know someone who has lost a child due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss, tell them that you are praying for them today. Or at the least, let them know that you are remembering their child today and will light a candle for them. Nothing brings comfort to a mother more than to know that her child is still remembered by others. It's so easy to feel that you are all alone in remembering your children, that everyone else has forgotten. Bring a smile to someone else's face because she does remember even if she never mentions it.

Thank you for taking the read this and for remembering the children who have touched your life in some way, no matter how small.

Easter is Here! Hope lives!

It is Easter Sunday! The biggest day in the Church year! He is Risen!!

Today gives us hope. There is amazing hope in the Resurrection.

Today my family also remembers our very first baby, Casey Marie. It's been five years since we lost her. I find renewed hope in today's celebration that we will be reunited with Casey and our other babies one day in Heaven.

Happy Easter, dear readers.

Thank you, Jesus!

I Have Called You By Name ...

Four years ago I was privileged to attend a naming ceremony. At the time we had two children in heaven, Casey and Zachary. I thought the ceremony was well-put together and very meaningful for all those attending. And despite the public ceremony, the naming part of it was very private. The next Naming Ceremony is coming up on March 3. If you are local and have experienced a miscarriage, still birth, or abortion at any time in your past, please consider attending this event. Here is the complete information:

"I Have Called You by Name..."

For those who have experienced the loss of a child through miscarriage, stillbirth or abortion, you are invited to attend the 5th Annual Naming Ceremony Sunday Mar 3, 2013 at 2pm at St. Elizabeth Ann Seton Church. This Diocesan event is for Catholic or Non-Catholic parents and their family who would like to remember their child/sibling/grandchild in a special way. Often a child lost due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or abortion does not receive a funeral observance nor are the children given a name, other than in the hearts of his/her parents. This beautiful and healing commemorative liturgy will be led by Fr. John Moriarty and will be followed by a reception in the parish hall. This event is sponsored by the Diocesan Bereavement Ministry and the Bereavement Ministry and Elizabeth Ministry at St Elizabeth Ann Seton Church. If you have any questions about the service please contact either Laura Napora at lnapora (at) juno (dot) com or Deacon Bob or Connie Kotzbauer at ckotzbauer (at) yahoo (dot) com.

Wave of Light 2012

It is once again time that time when we remember the babies we have lost too soon. I hope you will join me and families all over the world in remembering these babies today during the Wave of Light.

Whether a family lost a child to miscarriage, stillbirth or abortion, premature birth or SIDS, or some other situation that led to infant death, they dearly miss their child or children and it is good to take time to honor their memory. These families will never forget their children and remember them each and every day. But today is a good time for everyone to take an hour and remember these children.

How can you participate? It's easy, just read the graphic below and visit www.october15th.com for more information.

Please join us in remembering our babies and help to make miscarriage, stillbirth, and early infant loss less of a verboten topic.

Saturday Smiles, no. 10

Courtesy of
DesignsbyBirgit.blogspot.com

I had one of those realization moments this week that made me aware of God's presence in my life. It was a moment that made me see how the Hand of God has been directing my life without me even know it. And when you have that moment of realization it can be overwhelming. Only someone who loves you as much as God does can have that kind of patience with such a stubborn person.

A friend of mine posted a political cartoon this week on her Facebook page. It was one of those cartoons that is funny if you are pro-life.  If you're not, it was probably a little off-putting. as these things go, a conversation had developed under the picture in which one person was arguing the pro-abortion side of things against my friend and all her (our) other friends. The logic the pro-abortion person was using was so illogical that I couldn't help myself and I stepped in to say something.

By her logic, my children that died before birth never actually existed and were not human. So I had to ask her what my son was if he was not human. I had felt his movements before he died, seen his heartbeat, held him in my arms after his death and birth, counted his fingers and toes, touched is perfect little face, and so on. But he wasn't human according to her logic. It was a ridiculous argument, obviously.

As expected she did not respond to my comment. I really didn't expect her to because otherwise she would have had to admit the fault in her logic. I know how these conversations go, I understand ignoring the points that challenge your logic ... because I used to be on her side.

I read the rest of the conversation, but didn't bother contributing again. I had made my point, been ignored, but maybe had planted a seed. That was enough.

But as I scanned through the conversation and thought about where I used to be and where I am now, I can see God's Hand in my life. I know it was He who sent the right people in my path to challenge my ideas and get me to think differently. He placed me in the right places, at the right times to challenge me as I needed to be challenged. And I'm glad He did. I had a momentary thought about how different my miscarriages and Zachary's stillbirth might have been had I still been "pro-choice" at the time. I'm incredibly grateful that I did not have to experience those losses from that point of view.

I often have these little moments of realization where I see how it is all part of God's plan that I am where I am at this time and in this place. This was one of those moments. It's funny how a simple political cartoon can bring about such introspection.

Thank you, God, for guiding me to the life that I have today. I pray that I will continue to trust in you.

Pink, Pink, Pink ...

PINK!!!

Not something I see much of around here with two boys in the house. Not unless I'm wearing it!

But I'm getting an opportunity to relish in a bit of pink this summer. Two new nieces this summer, Ethan's Godparents had a baby girl in June, two other friends adopted baby girls just in the last two months, and another friend is due to have a baby girl in the next couple weeks.

So yeah ... lots of pink. I'm loving it!

Saturday morning I met up with five friends for a small baby shower brunch for the mom-to-be. It was a special time, as all baby showers are, but this one was especially special. Why so special? All six of us sitting around the table have suffered through years of infertility and/or pregnancy loss. Yet, there we sat, six women with 7 children between us, one on the way, and 4 babies in heaven.

Infertility group? What infertility group?

[Seriously though, having a child doesn't "cure" infertility. A post for another time.]

In many ways this little brunch was almost a celebration of all the miracles we as a group have received. I'm so happy for these friends of mine who have longed for children for so long and are now all mothers or soon-to-be mothers of such wonderful, special children. And so much pink everywhere!

I think Peter and Ethan will have lots of good little Catholic girls to choose from. Many, many years from now. Of course.

The Timeline of Loss

I got together with a friend recently to talk about our shared grief as a result of pregnancy loss. This grief has been a part of my life since March 2008. For my friend, however, it is much more recently and she is still reeling from the pain. As we talked one thing kept coming up again and again: the thought that at some point we should be done with the grief and able to move on.

If you are also dealing with a similar loss you might be interested in what I told me friend. If you know someone who is dealing with a recent loss, you should also pay attention. Here's the thing ...

There is no timeline.

I have talked with men and women who still grieve their lost children years and years later. You will never forget the children who were with you for such a short period of time. The grief never completely goes away.  You will be reminded of your child every time you see a pregnant women who is roughly where you would be if you were still pregnant or anytime you see a child who is roughly the age your child would be had he or she lived.

But I'm here to reassure you that although those things stay with you, they do get easier. Eventually, it does get easier.

And most important, there is no timeline. Let yourself be reassured that the pain, grief, and sadness you are feeling is normal. Yes, completely normal. And you do not have to be "done" grieving by any arbitrary date or event in the future.

My friend found comfort in hearing me tell her that there is no timeline. That she can grieve for as long as it takes. That no one should expect her to be "over it" by any particular point (and if they do, they are not being supportive friends). That the grief can even come back hard at random times when she least expects it. And all of this is okay.

I think it was important for her to hear me say that I still grieve for my babies. My last loss was more than two years ago now and I have had a successful pregnancy since. And yet, I still miss my babies. The grief is still there, though different now.

Time really does heal. It does not make us forget. I for one do not want to forget. But time does heal. And everyone's timeline is different.

I hope this simple thought can be helpful and reassuring to others as well.

Image source: morgueFile

Saturday Smiles, no. 4

Lonely Tree
Photo from  http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/

For some reason I have felt a little heavy around my heart this week. Nothing has specifically happened, I think it is just more a fact of lots of little things weighing on my mind and also on my heart. I don't know that you would guess by looking at me that I have felt this way at all this week. I'm generally a cheery person and try to put forward a positive attitude. Part of my Irish heritage, I guess. 

Even with a lot on my mind and a heavy heart, I can still see God working in my life. Sometimes in very unexpected ways. I was approached this week by a friend who is only a few months out from her first miscarriage. She was hit by a flood of emotions this week when another friend of hers had a baby. She wasn't expecting it and is, of course, happy for her friend. But it is distressing to get hit with those emotions and that sense of loss so expectantly. I knew exactly how she felt. And I'm glad she reached out to me. 

At the time, the conversation made me sad, and still does. I know how she feels and I hate that she has to go through that. I also hate that it recalls those same emotions in myself as well. Those feelings that never really go away, but get somewhat easier to deal with over time. When she then expressed her gratitude to me in being able to find someone who understands what she is going through, I was hit with the realization that this is part of God's plan for me.

God has given me the chance to help others through my own experiences. If nothing else, I am that person who can listen and just understand. I don't even have to say anything. Sometimes a listening ear from someone who has "been there" is all that is needed. I'd gladly give back my experiences with pregnancy loss, but I can't. And if I can't I'm glad that my experiences can be the thing that helps someone else feel not so all alone.

This may seem like an odd thing to post as a "Saturday Smiles" post. But I smile at this because I know that is using our hurts, both mine and my friend's, toward a positive. I still wish that neither of us had to go through the pain of miscarriage, but through it I can see God's love for us as He uses our hurts to help support each other.

And that makes me happy to be a child of God. I know that God grieves with us. And I know He can bring good even out of pain and sadness.

What made you smile this week? How were you aware of God's presence in your life? Share in the comments below or write your own blog post and link it up here using the inLinkz form below. Please also include a link in your post back to this one.

Living Counter-Culturally

From iusenfp.com

I am well aware that my husband and I live counter-culturally. I am not surprised by this when I do pop my head out of the Catholic bubble that I can often get caught up in and view the world around me. We do not live according to the norms accepted by our society today.

And it saddens me that what is considered "normal" is to pump a woman's body up with artificial hormones so that the normal, God-given way her body is supposed to work is suppressed.

And it is this reason that I write this post. The thing is, I am probably writing to people who are also in that same Catholic bubble that I am in. It can be easy to forget that not everyone understands the true freedom that is available when a woman learns how her body works, understands her cycles, and can stop the artificial hormones. So I feel like I'm preaching to the choir. However, on the off-chance that someone does read this who is on the fence or for whom this is new information, I do want to share a little about NFP.

I had serious doubts about Natural Family Planning (NFP) when I first started hearing about it. I was at a point in my life where I was trying to learn more about the Catholic Church to gain a better understanding of many of the teachings with which I did not agree. NFP was one of the hardest to find information about. But the amount of information out there today is amazing! Anyone who is looking for greater understanding today and just going to the internet as I was many years ago will have greater success than I did.

For that I am extremely grateful!

The best thing about NFP, from my perspective, is that I always know where in my cycle I am. And I have some messed up, wacky cycles at times. Believe me, if I can learn NFP and understand my cycles, anyone can! We have used NFP to conceive each and every time we have conceived. And we have used it to avoid during those times, particularly those months immediately following a miscarriage, when I was not physically or emotionally ready to conceive again. I can tell you with certainty that I have conceived on four different occasions and possibly a fifth.

Yes, a fifth. I don't know for certain whether we did or not and I may never know. It could potentially have been an unusually long luteal phase or it could have been a very early miscarriage. If you are unfamiliar with NFP terminology let me explain:

A luteal phase is the period of time between when a woman ovulates and when her next period begins. Regardless of the length of your cycle (which we all know can vary for a variety of purposes, like stress or weight gain/loss, etc.) your luteal phase is consistent within a day or two. Every. Single. Time. If a woman is also taking her basal body temperature (first temp of the morning) this is also the time when the temp rises due to an increase in progesterone and a decrease in estrogen. I have cycles that are occasionally 150 days long, more likely 45-60 or so days long, and sometimes 35-40 days long. No matter how long my cycle is from time of ovulation to my next period is 13-14 days, sometimes 15.

The cycle prior to the cycle in which I conceived our daughter Brigit. I had an 18 day luteal phase. I took a pregnancy test on day 17 that came back negative. [I have never been one for taking tests early.] I was sure I was pregnant, but then I got my period. Was I? Possibly. Possibly not. But because of the knowledge NFP has given me it does make me wonder sometimes.

This is just one example of the knowledge NFP can give someone about their body. There is so much more out there. If the idea of taking artificial hormones into your body bothers you, I urge you to consider something else, particularly NFP. And if you are still determined to remain on the other side of the fence, consider this:

From iusenfp.com

As I mentioned earlier, there are many great places to find information on NFP. I've noticed an increase in the number of these sites just recently. So I want to share them here:

iusenfp.com is a newer site with information on various NFP Methods, a blog, personal stories, lots of cool graphics, and more. They also have a Facebook page and a Twitter feed. I love their graphics!!

www.1flesh.org is also a newer site and one I have only heard about but not looked into until I started writing this post. They also have a blog, informative articles, cool graphics, and more. Looks like they plan on selling gear some day too!

www.livingthesacrament.com is a Catholic NFP Community. I have been following them on Facebook but had not visited their website until today. Looks like they have lots of good information as well as forums, a blog, and lots of great resources. Even if you're not Catholic there could be lots of good info here if you're researching NFP. NFP is not just for Catholics, I hope you know.

There are many different ways to practice NFP and each is based on learning different patterns of your body's natural processes. I use a method called sympto-thermal, as taught be the Couple to Couple League. Other popular methods I am aware of include the Creighton Model and the Marquette Model. There are other methods as well. The groups I linked above all include links to these three methods as well as many others.

And let me just simply add: this is not your grandmother's rhythm method. Don't try to tell me it is.

Finally, this is NFP Awareness Week. The USCCB website has a page set up with all sorts of resources for this week. It is another great place to go for information.

If you're not yet at a place where you are willing to step out and start living counter-culturally that is okay. I encourage you to continue reading, researching, and asking questions. Check out the methods I listed, visit the websites, and maybe even take a class. You're not committing to it just by taking the class, but maybe, just maybe, you might hear something that will make sense and give you the courage to take that next step.

Isn't the health of your body (or your wife's body) worth it? Don't you think God gave us, as women, our bodies to work a certain way? Why should we mess with what He created? Did He not know what He was doing? Do we not trust God in what He gave us as women?

Good questions to ponder. I hope you will.

From iusenfp.org

Witnessing to Life

This morning my husband, my two boys, and I joined with other friends to attend a Memorial Mass for a little child who left this life way too soon.  It was a beautiful Mass and I felt privileged to attend and be a witness for the sanctity of life.

Our friends struggled for several years with infertility.  They had prayed and discerned the road to adoption and had started the mounds of paperwork when they suddenly became pregnant.  Nine months later they welcomed into their lives an adorable little girl who, I might add, is as cute as a button.  Then this spring they became pregnant again.  Unfortunately, this pregnancy ended all too soon.  Through prayer, our friends both had strong feelings that this precious life that was lost was another girl.  With that they were able to name her and I absolutely love the name they picked: Rachel Philomena.

Today was all dedicated to Rachel Philomena.  The Mass was beautiful, the priest offered encouragement in his homily for us to all be united with Rachel in heaven one day, and in the intentions we prayed for all mothers who have experienced loss or are still waiting.

And then at the end of Mass, as the priest was processing out, many in the congregation started singing the first line of a Marian hymn that I now can't remember.  But no announcement was made, it seemed spontaneous to me (but I don't regularly attend this parish, so maybe this is the norm at daily Mass there?).  And it was perfect!  I started feeling a little teary thinking of Mary and baby Rachel and all the babies who lived such short lives before God brought them home to be with Him.

As many of us gathered in the lobby area of the church after Mass, my friend introduced the priest to a couple of us and told him that we all met through an infertility support group.  I then had to laugh at the thought.  Here we were, four women who had met through an infertilty support group yet there we stood: three of us with children and two of us pregnant.  We certainly didn't look like a group of infertile women!

But that's the beauty of this support group.  We have become friends and support each other in many ways. These women have been there for me during my losses, we have all prayed for each other in times of surgeries and failed adoptions, helped each other out through months of bed rest, supported each other during various attempts with fertility drugs, shots, and blood draws, commiserated over doctors who don't understand the Catholic position, and we come together in many ways to celebrate successes but also to grieve and mourn with each other.  I really couldn't ask for a better group of friends.

And so today, we all came together to witness to the life of Rachel Philomena.  Little Miss Rachel represents many hopes and dreams for all of us.  We have all prayed endlessly for children and God has heard those prayers, but sometimes those prayers are answered in ways we don't expect.  Rachel's short life may be insignificant to some, but not to us.  We know that her life was important and cherished just as much as any child.  Her life stands as a witness to all of us that every life in the womb is cherished and should be welcomed into the world no matter the circumstances or how long or short that life may be.

And with a name like that, she has some pretty powerful intercessors to guide her in praying for all of us still here in this world.  I feel privileged that I was able to be a part of today's Mass and to be a witness for the sanctity of life as proclaimed to us through Rachel Philomena and her amazing parents.

My Special Girl

When I think of my children I think of them all very differently.  Any parent can relate to that concept.  Our children are all very different.  We love them all the same and can't imagine life without them, but we know they are all different.

As a mother of three babies in heaven, I even see all of them in different ways too.  It seems normal to me, but I'm sure may be hard to imagine if you've never lost a baby.  But stick with me and maybe the concept will get clearer.

Casey still seems mysterious to me.  I think of her as a girl, though we never knew for sure, and I believe that influences my view of her as a quiet, motherly-type child.  She's my first child, too, so it fits.  I feel like she is close to Mary and watches over both her two siblings that are with her in heaven and her two brothers here on earth.

Zachary is my sweet, little boy who loves his siblings and wants to protect them.  He's my big protector with the big heart..  I'm guessing the Blessed Mother has to reel in his enthusiasm sometimes (and I kind of feel like I have evidence of that too).

My two boys here, Peter and Ethan, are full of love and are beyond curious about the world.  Peter is the more aggressive one, he knows what he wants and he'll go over anything (and anyone) to get to it.  I can't tell you how many times Ethan has landed on the floor because of Peter's one-track mind.  Ethan is a bit more passive. He has the cutest gleam in his eye when he smiles.  I think there is a trouble-maker lurking under that cute smile, but so far Peter's antics have shown through more.  I carry a secret wish in my heart for Ethan.

And then, there is Brigit.  My sweet little Brigit.  She is the child who truly holds a special place in my heart.  They all do, but there is just something special about her.  Based on what we learned about her after the miscarriage, I know that she would have been a special needs child had she lived and been carried to term.  Every time I think of her in heaven I see her under her big brother Zachary's protection.

For me, Brigit is the silent child.  She is watched over and cared for by her two older siblings.  I also think she is a powerful intercessor.  Although I think of her as silent, it is a holy kind of silence that I'm sure radiates from her.  It's hard to explain.  It's a feeling I have, maybe it's mother's intuition, maybe something else.  I feel that if she was with us here today she would be just like I imagine her: a silent, sweet child who has a power to make people smile and laugh despite any physical or mental handicaps she may have.

She is definitely one of God's special children.  As I reflect back today, the day I like to set aside for remembering my Brigit Ann, I am sad that I was not given the opportunity to parent this special child.  But I am also happy that she gets to spend eternity in heaven, is a powerful intercessor before God, and can bring smiles to the saints all around her.

Check out the Tribute to Brigit I wrote last year.

Thinking about Mary

Today you can read part of my pregnancy loss story over at Catholic Sistas.

A little over four years ago I experienced my first miscarriage.  It was the beginning of a dark time for me as I would go on to have two additional losses (a stillbirth and another miscarriage) over the next two and a half years.  But at the time I wasn’t aware of what the future held (thank goodness for that).  My mind was only on the present sadness enveloping me.

As I reflected on the month of May and honoring our Blessed Mother, I found myself returning to thoughts of that first miscarriage.  The thing is, at the time of that miscarriage, I didn’t really have much of a devotion to Mary.  I wasn’t hung up at all worrying that a devotion to her might detract from my devotion to Christ.  It wasn’t that.  I just hadn’t ever bothered.  But I had a desire to seek a deeper relationship with her knowing that through her I would also deepen my relationship with her Son.

So really it came as something of a shock to me when in the days following the miscarriage I often had thoughts of Mary holding my little baby for me.  There she was in my mind’s eye wrapping that precious child in her loving arms.


Read the rest of the story over at Catholic Sistas.

Another with the Sistas

I had not planned on writing two posts for Catholic Sistas this week, but due to unexpected circumstances I jumped in to help someone out.  I had originally started writing this piece for this blog, but when I offered to help out it became a post for Catholic Sistas instead.

I'm starting to lean more toward writing about pregnancy loss again and this post takes on that topic.  So for those who have found my blog while searching for information on miscarriage, stillbirth, or pregnancy loss, I encourage you to go check out this post with the Sistas:

Easter Teaches us Hope, Even During Times of Loss

Four Years Later: A Reflection

Four years ago on this date I was a little over 8 weeks pregnant with our first baby.  We were so happy and enjoying our secret joy for a little while longer before we told our families and friends.  That all changed around 10 or 11 that night when I started spotting.

A lot can happen in four years.  I had no idea on that night four years ago just how much more pain and anxiety, excitement and hopefulness my husband and I would go through.  On the night of March 31, 2008 I don't think I would have wanted to know even if I could.

It's interesting, really.  I remember questioning God's will so, so much at various times during the last four years.  Why did we continue to lose children?  Why were my cycles not returning?  Why could my body not maintain a pregnancy?  Did God have other plans for us that did not include having children?  If so, what were they and when was He going to let us in on His Plan?

Going through a pregnancy loss is like nothing I have ever dealt with in the past.  Death is a part of life, but it isn't supposed to happen before that life gets a chance to live.  Knowing that your baby has died is incredibly painful.  And then to have to go through the physical pain on top of it adds even more to the burden already on your heart.  No woman, no mother, should ever have to go through this.

I have been asked several times how I ever got through this three times.  Honestly, I don't know.  Perhaps having a strong faith in God and knowing that He wants only good for us, His children, has helped me.  But I can't say that for certain.  In the midst of those loss experiences, my thoughts were not nearly that deep.  It is only with distance and reflection that I can start to have even the smallest amount of imagination as to what carried me through.

Today as I remember that very first loss, I remember the physical pain I experienced, I remember the love and support that was showered on us, and I remember the emotional pain and confusion over the whole thing, I am also thinking of a dear friend who is experiencing all the same physical pain, emotional pain, confusion, and hopefully love and support in the here and now.  I'm heart broken for her, her family, and the child that they will never get to welcome into their family.  There are some experiences that are fun to share with friends.  This is definitely not one of them and I hate that my friend and I now share this common pain.

So today, as I think of my little saint, little Casey Marie, I pray for healing for my friend and her family.  I appreciate your prayers for us on this day, but I ask for your prayers for Baby T and the T family.  Although four years and two children later doesn't change my grief over that first loss, the T family needs many prayers right now as they deal with this grief that is still so fresh and new.

A Cherished Life

It was sad when , after announcing they were expecting their 20th child, the Duggar family received so much criticism.  All children are children of God, from the moment of their conception, and thus their life should be cherished and celebrated.  Why should a family that chooses to welcome however many children God sends to them be so criticized?  It's just sad.

My friend Colleen wrote a very articulate article on this topic in November at Catholic Sistas.  If you haven't read it, I highly recommend it.

Recently, the Duggars lost the baby they were so excited to welcome into their family.  They will be having a memorial service today for the the baby that they named Jubilee Shalom.

This is a family that truly cherishes life!!  Life at all stages.

It's a beautiful thing.

I was so pleased to see that they would be honoring their baby in this way.  Not only that, but it's being reported nationally that they named the baby and are having this memorial service.

Although I find practices like this common in my Catholic circles, I know miscarriage and pregnancy loss is still very much a private and hushed topic in our society overall.  The idea of naming a baby that was lost so early is still a foreign concept to the general population.

I hope the many critics of the Duggars will think twice before they criticize them again.  It is extremely painful to go through a loss, regardless of how many children you have.  A life is a life is a life.  The Duggar family knows this better than most people.

Being a mom of three babies already in heaven, I sympathize with the Duggars; my heart breaks for them right now.  But I also hope that this loss will have a positive impact on those many critics.  I hope the critics will see how precious this little life was.  I hope they will see how special this child, little Jubilee, is to be given a name and thus an identity.  I hope they regret being so critical of a family which has done nothing but love and cherish each child God has put into their care.

And I hope that by naming this child and having a service in remembrance of her that people everywhere will  begin to come to accept this as normal in recognizing a life lost due to miscarriage or pregnancy loss.

Can you imagine how different our world would be if the naming and recognition of all children who die before they are born into this world was more readily accepted??  Think about that!

I have been lucky, I am surrounded by a community that has been nothing but supportive of my family as we struggled through three pregnancy losses.  In thinking about what the Duggars are going through at this time and what they are doing today, I couldn't help but reflect on the burial service we had for our daughter Brigit Ann just a year and a half ago.

I pray that the Duggars will find peace through their suffering and that they will cherish this opportunity to say goodbye to their precious child.  I also pray that others' hearts will be softened by the witness of the Duggar family.

Jubilee Shalom, you were most certainly a cherished life.  I pray that your short life will have a positive impact on our fallen world.  May you rest peacefully in the presence of Our Almighty Father and be comforted in the arms of our Blessed Mother.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  For those of us who have lost children during pregnancy or as infants, we never forget.  This day is set aside for all of us to remember those babies.  So I hope you'll take the time time to participate in the Wave of Light today for all those babies lost too soon. 

The Wave of Light happens today at 7:00pm in all timezones.  Light a candle (or two or three) for one hour in remembrance of all the babies who have been lost to miscarriage, stillbirth, or early infant death.  I encourage you, too, if you know someone who has lost a baby, to send them a quick note to just let them know that you are thinking of them and their children waiting for them in Heaven.

Also, today, the Catholic Sistas are sharing stories of loss.  Some are anonymous, others are not.  Go visit and check out the many stories being shared over there today.

Parenting after Pregnancy Loss: Initial Thoughts

I've written about miscarriage and pregnancy loss quite a bit on this blog.  Because it is such a part of my life now, it will always be on my heart and thus something I will still write about.

But now my life is in a different place, a new place, and I'm still working out my thoughts on it.  I think I'll be working out these thoughts for a very long time, so I have a lot of fodder for blog posts.  As a result, this post is probably the first of several.

It is estimated that about 25% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage.  I'd venture to guess that this is a low estimate, especially when you consider how the pill works in addition to the possibility of very early miscarriages that often go undetected (we even wonder if we had one of those once, but we'll never know for sure).  So miscarriage, and pregnancy loss overall, is much more common than most people realize. 

And yet, with all the people who have been through the pain of miscarriage, everyone has different experiences.  Everyone's experiences before they became a member of the Miscarriage Club are different and shaped how they were able to deal with their loss.

If you are a regular reader of this blog, you know that I have dealt with my losses in a variety of ways.  Writing here has been one of my ways to get my thoughts and emotions out.  I also felt better being open about my losses and sharing my story whenever and wherever I can.  This is not for everyone, I know this.  But if my story can help someone else, then I will continue telling it.

Now I find myself in a new place: the mom of two sweet boys.  I'm loving my cutie pies both during the fun times and the fussy times.  I'm loving that after so long I am finally getting the chance to be a mom.  My heart melts with each little smile and bursts with pride with those rare little laughs. 

Mixed in with all these wonderful emotions is still some sadness as I wonder what each of my other children would have been like.  And so many more questions, too.  Would I have these two sweet boys if we had Zachary?  Do I appreciate my babies more because of what we went through?  But then ... more than what?  And what about future children?  How long do we wait?  What if we wait too long and we experience loss again?  How will a possible future loss feel different now that I have living children?  Or will it?

These are just some of my initial thoughts and questions on this topic of "Parenting after Pregnancy Loss."  It will be interesting to explore more of my thoughts on this topic and I look forward to hearing your comments too, especially from those who have been there themselves. 

I think the first idea I want to write about will be on "appreciation."  Stay tuned to find out what I mean by this.  I hope you'll stick around as I explore these various thoughts and feelings.

New Vacation Day Concept

Tuesday I took a "vacation" day from work.  Ha!!  It was a totally exhausting day.
I had made an appointment to have the boys pictures taken that morning.  The appointment was at 9:00am.  For some reason, 9am on a "vacation" day didn't seem as early as it usually feels on a regular work day.  That is until I woke up at 7:15am and realized that I needed to leave at 8:30 in order to make it while also showering, dressing, changing the babies, restocking the diaper bag (because we had been out most of Monday), and feeding all of us.  Amazingly it all got done, with the exception of feeding myself, and we were pulling out of the driveway at 8:40.

Phew!

And I made it on time, pulling up to the studio at exactly 9am.  Again ... phew!

Pictures went well.  And I had help.  Oh thank goodness for that!!  What a wonderful friend I had to come spend the morning with me.  She helped me change the boys, hold them, switch them out ... everything.  I couldn't have juggled it all on my own, so I was extremely grateful to have her there.

And when we were done, she offered to stay at the studio with them while I ran across the street on a quick errand.  Truly amazing friend!!  And thankfully the boys had fallen asleep by then.  It was an exhausting morning for them as well.

The pictures were done when I returned.  We then packed everyone and everything back into my car and my wonderful friend met me over at another store so I could run my last errand.  She pushed the stroller through the store so I could pick up what I needed.  I know having help in the store made that trip take half the time than it would have otherwise.

Peter had had enough by the time we were checking out.  I don't blame him, I was hungry too.  Everyone and everything back in the car and I took the interstate to get back home as quickly as possible.

It amazes me how much longer it takes to do things now.  I do plan for it, of course, and I just laugh at it all. 

Home by noon, boys changed and fed, and I finally got to sit down by 1:00pm and eat for the first time.  Just in time for the next thing on the agenda ...

an interview for our local Catholic paper.

I wasn't quite sure what to expect from that.  I was being interviewed by someone I know.  She had taken the newborn pictures of the boys as well as pictures at their Baptism.  In talking to one of the deacons in the area who works with the Paper about Peter and Ethan's Baptism, they started thinking about how my story would be a nice one to write up.  So I agreed.

I wasn't quite sure of the angle, but with the March for Life coming up in January and October being a Pro-Life month, they are looking to do a bunch of pro-life stories.  So this fits in well.

As for the interview itself: she was here at the house for about two and a half hours!!  But we had a good time.  We sat on the floor to talk so I could easily attend to the boys while we chatted.  I basically went through everything from our first miscarriage through the birth of Peter and Ethan.  She asked some questions along the way and then had several questions at the end.  She has a few questions for Hubby and then she'll be able to write something up.

By the time the interview ended it was after 5pm and I was amazed at how fast the day had gone by.  I was exhausted ... to say the least.  More exhausted than days when I have to get us all ready for daycare and work in the morning, go to work all day, and then have my hands full all evening as well.  Those days seem like the easy days now.

The vacation days, on the other hand ... well, those are now a bit more exhausting!!  Haha!!

Yep, definitely a new concept to the "vacation" day.  ::smile::  Even so, I really did enjoy every bit of it!