Four Years Later: A Reflection

Four years ago on this date I was a little over 8 weeks pregnant with our first baby.  We were so happy and enjoying our secret joy for a little while longer before we told our families and friends.  That all changed around 10 or 11 that night when I started spotting.

A lot can happen in four years.  I had no idea on that night four years ago just how much more pain and anxiety, excitement and hopefulness my husband and I would go through.  On the night of March 31, 2008 I don't think I would have wanted to know even if I could.

It's interesting, really.  I remember questioning God's will so, so much at various times during the last four years.  Why did we continue to lose children?  Why were my cycles not returning?  Why could my body not maintain a pregnancy?  Did God have other plans for us that did not include having children?  If so, what were they and when was He going to let us in on His Plan?

Going through a pregnancy loss is like nothing I have ever dealt with in the past.  Death is a part of life, but it isn't supposed to happen before that life gets a chance to live.  Knowing that your baby has died is incredibly painful.  And then to have to go through the physical pain on top of it adds even more to the burden already on your heart.  No woman, no mother, should ever have to go through this.

I have been asked several times how I ever got through this three times.  Honestly, I don't know.  Perhaps having a strong faith in God and knowing that He wants only good for us, His children, has helped me.  But I can't say that for certain.  In the midst of those loss experiences, my thoughts were not nearly that deep.  It is only with distance and reflection that I can start to have even the smallest amount of imagination as to what carried me through.

Today as I remember that very first loss, I remember the physical pain I experienced, I remember the love and support that was showered on us, and I remember the emotional pain and confusion over the whole thing, I am also thinking of a dear friend who is experiencing all the same physical pain, emotional pain, confusion, and hopefully love and support in the here and now.  I'm heart broken for her, her family, and the child that they will never get to welcome into their family.  There are some experiences that are fun to share with friends.  This is definitely not one of them and I hate that my friend and I now share this common pain.

So today, as I think of my little saint, little Casey Marie, I pray for healing for my friend and her family.  I appreciate your prayers for us on this day, but I ask for your prayers for Baby T and the T family.  Although four years and two children later doesn't change my grief over that first loss, the T family needs many prayers right now as they deal with this grief that is still so fresh and new.