Monday, December 13, 2010

Living Typical Day, Thinking of the Alternative

Today was a typical day in my life, a fairly typical Monday.  I had my adoration hour, went to work, came home, had dinner with my husband (leftovers, nothing exciting there either), and we spent our evening decorating the Christmas tree, watching a little TV, and basically just hanging out.  Yes, it is cold, it snowed, the schools were out and the university was on a two-hour delay.  But none of this is really that out of the ordinary for our lives.  It is December, after all.

So what is the alternative?  Why would I be thinking of something else today? 

Easter weekend this year I knew there was a very good possibility that I was pregnant.  I had been disappointed the cycle before so I had resisted calculating the potential due date until after I had taken a test.  On that Monday I took the test and got a positive!!  I was so excited!!  And then I got an email from a friend telling me she was pregnant after several years of infertility struggles!  It was such a great day!

As any woman who has ever been pregnant can tell you, the next step is knowing when that due date is.  Your life for the next several months revolves around that date and you can't even imagine what life will look like after that date.  My date?  It was December 13, 2010, exactly one month after my friend's due date.

Yep, today is my due date.  How I wish I was sitting here nine months pregnant or holding a baby or sitting in a hospital right now.  But alas, my baby didn't make it.  It is sad just how many children don't make.  Life is precious, and that has been emphasized for me in so many ways the past three years.

So today ... it was a normal day, but also a bit surreal.  I did what I do most days.  Yet in some ways I knew that things could have been very different.  Yep, surreal.  But I still have my faith and I trust that God knows what He is doing.  I certainly have no control, that is obvious.

I have anticipated this date for a long time.  Even after the loss of the baby I thought about what this date would bring.  Would I be sad?  Would I remember?  Would it be on my mind all day?  All I can say is that the thought was there, but I got through the day without a hitch.

If you know someone who has gone through a pregnancy loss, I'm here to tell you that they will never forget their due date.  I remember all three of mine.  And each year as they pass I think about what "could have been."  It may sound sad, but at the same time it's a good thing.  I'm glad to have these moments when I can think about my children.  I would hate for these children of mine to fade away from my memory.  I cherish these times when I can remember that I once eagerly expected the birth of this particular child.  So should a friend share something like this with you, don't downplay the date, that just causes more pain.

The child we lost in May of this year was a girl.  I wrote about the whole miscarriage experience on this blog this summer.  She died at 9 weeks (around May 10), we found out at 10 weeks, and the D&C was at 11 weeks.  She died due to a chromosome anomaly called Trisomy 16.  And, most importantly, her name is Brigit Ann.

So today, I remember Brigit Ann and what could have been, if only things been different.  I imagine her in Heaven with her siblings Casey and Zachary, being watched over by the Blessed Mother, and participating in the constant worship of our Heavenly Father with all the saints.  I wish we could have had more time with Brigit.  Instead, I can just say how much I love the little girl that I never saw and never got to hold.  And I ask you, little Brigit, to pray for us.


  1. thinking of you- praying that our mother Mary will comfort you

  2. I didn't know your actual due date... thinking of you as you remember Brigit! (((hugs)))

  3. Thank you for posting so candidly on this topic. You've definitely been opening my eyes to this world, and I will be blessed for having a better idea of what life after miscarriage can be like. May God bless you as you reach out to women who have suffered this same way, and as you enable us who have not suffered miscarrige to have compassion and a better understanding.

  4. Thanks, A! I hope I can help to make a little difference in the world where this topic is concerned. Glad to hear this post was a help!

  5. Ahh, due dates. You're right that those with miscarriage know each one. I'm so sorry about little Brigit. You have a prayer warrior in heaven for you!

    Thanks for commenting on my blog. You are so right about the comment, "At least you can get pregnant." Not very comforting when you want a baby in this life, but it is comforting to know that your children in heaven are praying for you and that you will meet them someday.

  6. Dr. Gianna: Thank you so much for your comment! I often think of Brigit and my ohter two as my little prayer warriors! It is a comfort knowing that. I have been totally fascinated by your blog and have been reading it from your first post on (I think I'm up to June now). Thank you for writing it, you are doing a serice with your blog that I can only dream of! I will be following from now on. I'd love to also ask you some questions some time but for now, I'll continue getting to know you through finishing reading through your blog. Blessings!!

  7. What a beautiful post! Thank you for sharing. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  8. My heart goes out to you, Kerri. Those dates have such meaning and it is so important to honor and remember. I too have a little "peanut gallery in Heaven," as my dad once put it. I take comfort in knowing that. Hugs.

  9. Thanks, Sharon and Ginny!

    Ginny: I was suprised you knew my name and was trying to figure out if I knew you. Then I realized you must have found me through my comment on your guest post at Thanks for stopping by!!