When I think of my children I think of them all very differently. Any parent can relate to that concept. Our children are all very different. We love them all the same and can't imagine life without them, but we know they are all different.
As a mother of three babies in heaven, I even see all of them in different ways too. It seems normal to me, but I'm sure may be hard to imagine if you've never lost a baby. But stick with me and maybe the concept will get clearer.
Casey still seems mysterious to me. I think of her as a girl, though we never knew for sure, and I believe that influences my view of her as a quiet, motherly-type child. She's my first child, too, so it fits. I feel like she is close to Mary and watches over both her two siblings that are with her in heaven and her two brothers here on earth.
Zachary is my sweet, little boy who loves his siblings and wants to protect them. He's my big protector with the big heart.. I'm guessing the Blessed Mother has to reel in his enthusiasm sometimes (and I kind of feel like I have evidence of that too).
My two boys here, Peter and Ethan, are full of love and are beyond curious about the world. Peter is the more aggressive one, he knows what he wants and he'll go over anything (and anyone) to get to it. I can't tell you how many times Ethan has landed on the floor because of Peter's one-track mind. Ethan is a bit more passive. He has the cutest gleam in his eye when he smiles. I think there is a trouble-maker lurking under that cute smile, but so far Peter's antics have shown through more. I carry a secret wish in my heart for Ethan.
And then, there is Brigit. My sweet little Brigit. She is the child who truly holds a special place in my heart. They all do, but there is just something special about her. Based on what we learned about her after the miscarriage, I know that she would have been a special needs child had she lived and been carried to term. Every time I think of her in heaven I see her under her big brother Zachary's protection.
For me, Brigit is the silent child. She is watched over and cared for by her two older siblings. I also think she is a powerful intercessor. Although I think of her as silent, it is a holy kind of silence that I'm sure radiates from her. It's hard to explain. It's a feeling I have, maybe it's mother's intuition, maybe something else. I feel that if she was with us here today she would be just like I imagine her: a silent, sweet child who has a power to make people smile and laugh despite any physical or mental handicaps she may have.
She is definitely one of God's special children. As I reflect back today, the day I like to set aside for remembering my Brigit Ann, I am sad that I was not given the opportunity to parent this special child. But I am also happy that she gets to spend eternity in heaven, is a powerful intercessor before God, and can bring smiles to the saints all around her.
Check out the Tribute to Brigit I wrote last year.