Today was a typical day in my life, a fairly typical Monday. I had my adoration hour, went to work, came home, had dinner with my husband (leftovers, nothing exciting there either), and we spent our evening decorating the Christmas tree, watching a little TV, and basically just hanging out. Yes, it is cold, it snowed, the schools were out and the university was on a two-hour delay. But none of this is really that out of the ordinary for our lives. It is December, after all.
So what is the alternative? Why would I be thinking of something else today?
Easter weekend this year I knew there was a very good possibility that I was pregnant. I had been disappointed the cycle before so I had resisted calculating the potential due date until after I had taken a test. On that Monday I took the test and got a positive!! I was so excited!! And then I got an email from a friend telling me she was pregnant after several years of infertility struggles! It was such a great day!
As any woman who has ever been pregnant can tell you, the next step is knowing when that due date is. Your life for the next several months revolves around that date and you can't even imagine what life will look like after that date. My date? It was December 13, 2010, exactly one month after my friend's due date.
Yep, today is my due date. How I wish I was sitting here nine months pregnant or holding a baby or sitting in a hospital right now. But alas, my baby didn't make it. It is sad just how many children don't make. Life is precious, and that has been emphasized for me in so many ways the past three years.
So today ... it was a normal day, but also a bit surreal. I did what I do most days. Yet in some ways I knew that things could have been very different. Yep, surreal. But I still have my faith and I trust that God knows what He is doing. I certainly have no control, that is obvious.
I have anticipated this date for a long time. Even after the loss of the baby I thought about what this date would bring. Would I be sad? Would I remember? Would it be on my mind all day? All I can say is that the thought was there, but I got through the day without a hitch.
If you know someone who has gone through a pregnancy loss, I'm here to tell you that they will never forget their due date. I remember all three of mine. And each year as they pass I think about what "could have been." It may sound sad, but at the same time it's a good thing. I'm glad to have these moments when I can think about my children. I would hate for these children of mine to fade away from my memory. I cherish these times when I can remember that I once eagerly expected the birth of this particular child. So should a friend share something like this with you, don't downplay the date, that just causes more pain.
The child we lost in May of this year was a girl. I wrote about the whole miscarriage experience on this blog this summer. She died at 9 weeks (around May 10), we found out at 10 weeks, and the D&C was at 11 weeks. She died due to a chromosome anomaly called Trisomy 16. And, most importantly, her name is Brigit Ann.
So today, I remember Brigit Ann and what could have been, if only things been different. I imagine her in Heaven with her siblings Casey and Zachary, being watched over by the Blessed Mother, and participating in the constant worship of our Heavenly Father with all the saints. I wish we could have had more time with Brigit. Instead, I can just say how much I love the little girl that I never saw and never got to hold. And I ask you, little Brigit, to pray for us.